dimentra dot com

Originally posted on myspace.com – 11/13/2007

Current mood: exanimate

I got married and I lost myself.  That is the long and the short of it.  I managed to become the one thing I was so insanely afraid of becoming, then again, isn’t that always the way it works?

I give too much of myself and I never ask for much in return besides putting up with my insanity, mood swings, projection and the occasional word vomit, which I always wish I could take back.  When I realize that I am fighting a losing battle, I say too much, I think too much and more importantly, I dream too much.  Rather than just letting go, I allow it to consume me.  This is my downfall.

How does one recreate the groove worn in by constant play?  I have become that dusty crack in an old vinyl album that after many years of play has become warped, somehow.  I can sometimes see myself doing deplorable things, but can attain no means to stop the pattern.  I have become my Mother, I have become my Father.  Is it really so bad?  Is it actually the worst fate a person can imagine for themselves?  Or, am I just a victim of a very, very bad day?

As my head swims with nonsense, I begin to wonder if I have made a huge mistake.  Can I really expect someone to be who I want them to be?  Or, are my expectations just underlying prerequisites to what I consider a happy and successful relationship?  How can you even tell?

What I do know that every day I seem to be losing this battle.  I have lost someone I love to a manipulative person who has essentially beaten me at my own game.  He has become someone I do not understand, someone who cannot manage a conversation with substance and only gives what he feels is the very minimum to keep me around.  Maybe I am crazy, it would not be a first, but call it intuition – I just know something is amiss.

Karma at it’s very best. . .