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Yeah, it’s been awhile. Amazingly, things have been quiet on the subway. No crazies to speak of, no bums urinating in the corner of the train, etc. It was a good 2 week run. Until this morning…

::enter creepy music::

I am sitting on the train, reading about the “Amish Schoolchildren Killer” (what the FUCK is UP with that? Dayum!) in the newspaper when “Queen Crazy” decides she will sit directly next to me when like 40 other seats are available. Typical.

This woman, probably about mid 30’s, gets on the train with a stroller. She settles her fat ass in next to me and starts to dote over the “baby”. Everything seemed somewhat normal to me, until I looked down at the “baby”.

::drumroll please::

“Baby”= not a baby at all, but a side of fucking BEEF! Is she kidding me? This woman is actually walking around pushing a stroller with a side of beef wrapped up in a fucking baby blanket? COME ON! The people of NYC have reached new heights for me now. She was literally talking to it, tickling it, trying to feed it a bottle of milk. HOLY SHIT.

At this point I am so transfixed by her obvious mental breakdown, that my newspaper falls off of my lap, my iced coffee starts to spill between my legs and the guy next to me is like “Miss, you are spilling your coffee, and oh and are you done with that paper?”.

The following is EXACTLY what went through my twisted ADD mind:

“Am I the only one who is seeing this? How is everyone not completely FREAKED out? Then my mind starts reeling. Maybe I am the only one who sees this. Maybe I am the one who is actually crazy? Maybe it’s the first signs of crazy? I have lost it! I can’t start screaming about how this chicks baby is a side of beef with a baby bottle jammed into it. Maybe it actually WAS a baby and she skinned it in some sick twisted kind of satanic baby sacrificing ritual? AND if so, maybe I am next! Maybe she is a terrorist and that is actually a bomb disguised as a side of beef disguised as a baby! Maybe it’s ticking. If I concentrate real hard maybe I will hear it ticking? Do modern bombs even tick anymore? Maybe this is a test and she chose to sit next to me because the government is doing random “crazy” tests of NYC commuters to see what reaction we will have? (Then I start getting delusions of grandeur) Maybe she was planted next to me because “they” know about my NYC Subway Chronicles blogs and want to feed me stories to write about? Maybe I am part of some big, huge experiment like that show “Lost”. It’s the only explanation considering that NONE of these people have noticed or freaked out from this beef baby. Doesn’t it start to rot and smell after awhile? How does she avoid that? Does she have like a stock of beef in her fridge at home and she takes out a new one every couple of days and wraps it in the blanket?”

Let me tell you, the 10 minutes next to her on the train this morning was so exhausting that I had a hard time walking up the 2 mile long staircase to my office building.

Yeah, two words… HOLY SHIT!

What is WRONG with people in this city? And more importantly, what is wrong with ME?