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I have not had a pap smear in over 6 years. 

There is just something so Sado-Masochist about getting in a metal chair, sticking my legs into stirrups while some old guy with the breath of a baby’s coffin digs around in my hole with a set of sterile salad spoons.

I know, who actually LIKES the vagina doctor, right?  Well, to be honest, I know a few girls who do.

One friend, she will remain nameless, had a gynecologist who was really young and super hot.  She made appointments frequently and for no reason other than the cheap thrill she felt when he peeped her freshly Brazilian waxed tutu and slid his slippery, white gloved fingers up her ass.  She would moan every time he gently stretched her vagina for a better look.   She was obviously crazy and after a few months of this behavior, I am sure the Doc got creeped out got himself a restraining order.

There are others, and I think they all have latent S&M fetishes.

But, who am I to judge?

I had a good friend who died from Cervical Cancer back in 2000.  I have recurring nightmares about her telling me to get my ass to the GYNO to get a smear.  I wake up in a pool of sweat and tears and promise myself I will go, somehow I never do.

It’s not like I have not tried, or attempted to make appointments.  I have changed my primary OB/GYN about 40 times on my insurance plan.  Every single time I pick a Doc, I call and get the run around.  “We are not taking any new patients until September.”  Or, “I can give you something on Monday afternoon at 3PM”.  Monday at 3PM?!  I work, people.  Can’t make it.

I finally broke down and scheduled one for September 1st at 10:00 AM.  Yay, nothing like getting goosed by a 90 year old Indian woman after a night of heavy drinking and partying, because that is Labor day weekend.  **Note to self – DO NOT EAT WHITE CASTLE WHILE IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR THE NIGHT BEFORE**

Hopefully, my body will not be ridden with tumors and the like.   Considering what a hypochondriac I am, it is somewhat curious that I have let this go so long.

Then again, a simple pap smear doesn’t always tell you the whole story anyway. ..

Wish me luck.