Tag Archives: relationships

Jun 04 2012
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Life

Tick, Tock…

Today is a special day for me. On June 4th, 1993, I met my best friend in Greenwich Village, NYC. We met outside of a McDonalds on Broadway. He was with some of his friends, and I was with one of mine. We were 17 years old, and full of life and personality. I was wearing a Pearl Jam T-Shirt and he abused me for it.  Needless to say, it wasn’t the best of meetings to start off with, but a few weeks later we met again at the Limelight. We hooked up in the house of cards at the back of the club (anyone remember that?!) and quickly fell madly in love.

We moved in together a few months later, and dated for almost 3 years until we broke up because I was a cheating asshole, and he deserved better. It took about 6 months for us to get to a place where we could be friends without drama or pain, but once that happened we never looked back. Today is 19 years since we met, and I cannot imagine my life without him in it and am grateful for every day we get together. I have a lot of close friends, but he is my rock. I tell him EVERYTHING. He gives the best advice, and we have always been there for each other. I’ve told every boyfriend all about him, and said “if you cannot handle that he and I used to date, then this won’t work. My bestie is #1 in my life. He will always be. Get over your insecurity and handle it, or we’re done.” I am happy to report that all of my ex’s, except for 1, was not only cool with him, but also very tight with him. I choose to surround myself with confident, awesome people, so this is not surprising. 🙂

To date, no matter what has gone on in either of our lives, we have always been there for each other. When I was doing heroin, and 6 months after I quit had a small slip, he was there. No questions asked. When he was having issues in his life, I’d drop anything to be by his side. He is my brother, and I love him with every piece of me.

About 7 years ago, he got hitched and moved to Los Angeles. Admittedly, I was very sad when he left. Living in Southern California was a dream we always shared. We always promised each other that we’d move there one day. He went before me, and while I was happy, selfishly I was jealous and upset that he was leaving NYC without me. I was sill happy for him, though. He lived in LA for a year before he decided it sucked and then high-tailed it to San Diego, where he still resides today. He’ll never come back to NYC, and I don’t blame him. Although we’ve been apart for so long, we still spend hours on the phone every night and we still have a very solid friendship.

I’m finally getting the fuck out of here this year (hopefully), and I am excited for a million reasons, but Lenin is definitely one of the biggest. Granted, I’ll be in LA, and he lives in SD, but at least I can drive to him in 2 hours. VERY EXCITING!

So, 19 years ago I was blessed with meeting the other half of my soul. My bestie is the most amazing person I’ve ever known, therefore, this day is one of my favorite days of the year!

Happy anniversary, Lenin. Thank you for existing, and making my life more colorful, and awesome with every passing day. I love you!!!

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Apr 21 2012
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Music

Love…

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Apr 16 2012
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Life

Fleeting

My 34-year-old cousin, Adam, passed away on Friday, April 13th. We received phone calls at 3AM, telling us of his untimely demise and the news was received with complete shock and amazement. Granted, he had a tough life and he made his far share of mistakes, but none of us ever thought he would just vanish.

I have been surrounded by death my entire life. Many family members, even more friends and all different kinds of ways. Car accidents, suicide, drug overdoses, cancer, other illnesses. Most of them were unexpected, and all were shocking. It never gets any easier to accept, though. Mourning is a selfish act, in and of itself, but as humans we are inherently selfish. We make everything about ourselves, and oftentimes forget the larger picture.

My family is torn apart right now, I am heartbroken. He was so full of life, generous, gorgeous, smart, sweet, more than fun to hang around with. He had many friends and people in his life who adored him, and rightfully so, he was the life of the every party he attended. The larger picture here though is simple: He was horribly unhappy for a very, very long time and is finally at peace. While I am heartbroken, I see that for what it is and am almost happy for him that he can rest now.

When we were kids, Adam was a terror. He wreaked havoc everywhere we went. He would yell and scream and throw tantrums. He’d behave recklessly, with little regard for his own safety. Even through all of that, and all of the accidents and close brushes with death, he was still such a force. He lost both of his parents at a very young age, and spent quite a bit of time alone. He separated himself from his family for almost 20 years, until I found him again on Facebook in 2007. Since that reunion, he and my older brother, Joey, have become very close. My brother is devastated due to this, and I fear he may never be the same.

The moral is that life is short. I learn this lesson often, and try to live my life in such a way that makes me happy. I don’t ever want to force emotion, control another person, police someone, own someone, live my life with someone I could never trust. What’s the point? Relationships, and love are unpredictable. Life is unpredictable! There is nothing we can do to change anything that happens, things just HAPPEN. People fall in love, fall out of love, die, do stupid things, make mistakes, etc. We cannot change any of it, we can only choose who we spend our time with.

Adam’s death has made me question everything in my life over the last few days. My own happiness, how I live, what I choose and why. My lesson learned from this unfortunate situation is that I need to be happy. I need to follow my heart. I need to keep faith in myself and know that the choices I make are the best possible choices for me, regardless of what unfolds around me in order for said choices to take shape. Life is too short to deny yourself happiness, to be with the people who make your heart stop, make you smile, and fulfill your soul.

You can’t change fate, and the heart will do what it wants – no matter what. Forcing yourself on someone only hurts you. Having to live your life in fear only hurts you. I don’t know about you all, but I know I deserve better than that. I deserve to be loved for who I am, not what someone else wants me to be. My cousin Adam, he also deserved that but never got to see that kind of happiness. I refuse to allow that to happen to me.

Drive it till the wheels fall off, kids, because you never know what awaits you in the next 5 minutes, let alone next month, or next year. I want to smile on my deathbed and know that I did what was right for me. Don’t you?

RIP Adam – you will be forever loved, cherished and remembered.

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Mar 17 2012
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Life, Marriage

The Webs We Weave

It has recently come to my attention that certain people in my life like to lie their asses off.

There is one thing, above all else in this entire universe, that pisses me the FUCK off, and that’s someone who has no need to lie to me, but does anyway. Especially, someone I love.

People only choose to lie when they’re pussies, and can’t face reality. I have no time for that.

I will be much less pissed off if you come at me with the dead honest truth, then if you come at me with some crazy bullshit. #1 – I will ALWAYS catch you (I’m quite bright, never underestimate me.) #2 – when I do catch you, the fury I will reign down on you will be nothing short of terrifying. (I’m freakishly strong, and I have rage issues).

The moral? If you want to live…. Don’t fucking lie to me!

#nuffsaid

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Mar 15 2012
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Life, Marriage

The Fantasy of Everlasting Love

After 9 long years, my husband and I are headed to splitsville. It’s so difficult to differentiate between what’s worth fighting for, and what’s not. I feel as if my heart has been crushed, but I know that separation is inevitable.

I’ve spent such a long time just accepting things for what they are, and not really working towards what I really want. The truth is, I am chock full of issues that stem all the way back to my crazy childhood. While I am strong enough to truly understand what they are, and their roots, I’m sometimes not strong enough to pull myself out of the hole, so to speak.

I was abandoned by my biological father, then by my step-father. A kid has a difficult time understanding outside factors that contributed to that abandonment, and if not dealt with correctly, can lead to issues in adulthood. I can admit, I have some of those residual effects that affect my life on a daily basis. It’s evident to me that I have to figure out a way to get a handle on these behaviors.

I’m epically selfish, I tend to want to control everything, I’m prone to bouts of depression that include, but are not limited to, addictive behaviors rearing their ugly heads. I know that I can be a handful, I’m far from perfect, and when I’m in an abyss, standing by me can be tough because I tend to hide it, and isolate. I’m too prideful, my ego is too big to show any measure of weakness. I have a constant need to improve on everything around me. When I do not succeed in that, I tend to lose motivation. I lack patience. I lack understanding, and can be rather harsh. I don’t typically see things through. When I lose patience, I tend to change my mind completely. I don’t have traditional values, or ideas of relationships. The list of flaws goes on, and on. I also have a lot of amazing traits, I’m more than confident in the fact that despite all of the above flaws, I am one hell of a catch. When I love, it’s full of fire and passion, and any person who is the object of my affections is one lucky fuck.

I love Craig, I truly do. That being said, we’ve had issues for a long, long time. I’ve never had a real sense of equality in the relationship, I’ve never really felt secure enough to open up fully, and truly. I have trust issues with him as it pertains to him being an “adult,” which equates to me treating him like a child, which equates to a less than passionate sex life, which equates to unhappiness on BOTH sides.

I recognize all of these problems, I see them coming from hundreds of miles away and instead of choosing to fight, talk them out, deal with impending doom, we both crawled into shells and let our undeniably amazing connection epically fail. It’s fucking HEARTBREAKING.

Craig is the first person in my life that I wanted to marry, wanted to be faithful to (to the best of my fucked up ability), actually considered procreating with (if only for a fleeting second), and wanted to love with all of my heart.

He’s an amazing guy, hell, he’d have to be to put up with me and my crazy ideals. I was lucky to find, love and be with him. On the same token, I cannot allow myself to idealize him. This story has two people at fault. Two people who need to be held accountable for their actions that inevitably led us to where we are now.

I can say that I’ve never felt more crushed than I do at this moment. I’ve never felt more let down, more alone, more insanely confused than I do at this moment. I have no idea where we will end up, whether together or apart, happy or filled with regret, I can’t possibly make any assumptions, nor can I predict the future. All I have at this point is my strong intuition, a head full of “black hole” and a horrible weight on my chest.

I’ve said it before: love is a huge risk. It can either propel you to amazing heights, or it can destroy you, if you let it. I don’t believe in bitterness, I don’t believe in putting up walls, nor do I believe in playing emotional games, or wasting my time. In short, even if we do split, I will not allow myself to be destroyed. I’ve spent way too much time in this abyss, and I need to help myself. At the end of the day, the only person who can save me is ME.

I do not doubt that I will eventually be OK. I just need to fix myself, and not look to someone else to provide me with happiness. I look to Craig for support, and respect. I’m not looking for him to be my hero, I don’t need a hero. I need a friend, a lover, and someone who doesn’t cut and run when shit gets hard.

If its meant to be, we’ll get through this. If its not? I can’t control that, and I can’t lose sleep over it. I have to stand up, brush myself off and keep it moving.

I’m done crying, I’m finished with worrying. My heart is way too heavy to begin with, I cannot afford added weight. My husband either sees this, or he doesn’t. He can do the same as I, and take accountability for his epic mistakes over the last 9 years, or he won’t. Again, I can’t control that, and I refuse to even try. I need to worry about me, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.

So, the fantasy of everlasting love is exactly that, a fantasy. I’m not a dreamer, I’m a hardcore realist, but I have faith that things will work out the way they’re supposed to.

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