As humans, we tend to put things off. “I will start exercising next week,” or, “I will quit drinking tomorrow.” We’re famous for procrastination. We’re all just lost souls looking for a way to make ourselves feel whole again. Sometimes we find solace in drugs, alcohol, food, a failing relationship, a marriage, a lover, a great book, our children, home lives, jobs, a pad and pen… Anything to keep our minds off of what the real problem is: Ourselves.
No one wants to face their issues, it’s painful. Really looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing your physical, and emotional flaws hurts. Gathering the motivation to change yourself is difficult, at best. We all repeat the same cycles over and over – up and down, down and up, co-dependency, independence, insecurity, confidence… it’s all the same. What goes up, must come down.
What allows us to muster up the motivation to face our biggest fears and change that which brings us down? It’s a difficult question to answer, and sometimes it’s glaringly obvious, but most times we do not even see the abyss we’ve created for ourselves until it’s too late and something catastrophic must occur for us to “wake up.” Maybe a death, the fact that a long-term relationship is not what you thought it was, a job that makes you unhappy, a growing waistline that you didn’t really notice until you pull on a pair of jeans that you can’t zipper anymore, or simply just trying to force yourself out of bed in the morning. Any of these things, ranging from catastrophic to simplistic, can force you to open your eyes. In the long run, you almost have to be grateful for the opportunity to see the light, as some people never get that. I know people who are so unaware of themselves that it is terrifying to watch. They literally have no idea who they are, and how the world reacts to their presence. I can sit down and give you a detailed list of all of the things that are wrong with me, every single flaw I possess. It’s good to be aware of that, but it’s knowing how to fix them or improve on yourself that matters.
I personally go through ups and downs more often than I’d like to admit. I find myself sinking at times, and usually before I get too deep I can pull myself up and force myself into the light again. I am lucky in that respect. Where I am unlucky is my tendency to fall in the first place. There are a few things in this crazy life that can pull me down, and they are as follows:
- Love – When I fall in love, which is rare for me, I tend to REALLY fall hard. While I am quite realistic, I also find myself becoming whimsical about a person, and idealizing them when I shouldn’t. I guess everyone does that at first, as it is quite difficult to avoid. The beginning of something is always the best part, and it’s easy to lose sight of reality. I work extra hard to keep my feet planted on the ground and think about the things that are “unsexy” about a person, rather than see them through rose colored glasses. I sometimes get caught up in the newness of things though, and I quickly realize that I am doing that and can most times correct myself before it’s too late.
- Work – When I become frustrated with my job, I lose motivation. Once I lose that? My focus goes straight out the window. I need to be challenged at work, and when I am not, my interest wanes, quickly.
- Myself – I am an extremist. I am either a neat freak or a total slob; a health nut, or killing myself; so active that it’s crazy, or laying on the couch for 3 days straight; a social butterfly, or isolating and keeping my phone on silent. Everyone who truly knows me, knows this about me and can usually decide whether or not they will let me wallow, or attempt to pull me out. Due to my insane social calendar and long list of amazing friends, most times, I am not “allowed” to wallow for too long. Plus, I truly love myself and I usually won’t allow myself to become “that person” who whines about their life, but does nothing to change it. Admittedly, there have been times when I allow that to go on a lot longer than it should, but the people around me will never know it. I rarely show my weaknesses because my ego is way too big to allow that. I’m a force, and I have a rep to protect. My ego keeps me from sinking too far, and for that, I am grateful. Otherwise I’d be 200 lbs, and miserable. I’ve never been more than 20 lbs overweight, due to this ego of mine. I feel I am way too hot and amazing to allow myself to slip that far. I understand how it happens to people though, I just don’t understand how they allow it to keep happening. There is a thing called “self-love, and self-respect,” after all.
There have been times that I have found myself in a relationship where I begin to change things about myself to accommodate my mate. I am smart enough to know that if I allow myself to continue down a path like that, the relationship will inevitably fail. No one wants to be with someone who is miserable, complains constantly, does nothing to change or fix themselves and then projects the blame for said misery on their mate. Ick. However, relationships are a give and take. You get back what you put into it, right? I am a strong believer in the fact that if you improve upon yourself, you improve upon your relationship. You know how in a plane, you are supposed to put the oxygen mask on you before helping anyone else? Same theory in life, and relationships. You cannot help anyone until you help yourself.
If you’re sitting at home and obsessing over things you cannot control, like what your mate is doing when he/she is out of sight, or what is going on with your friends, or your job when you’re not around – you’ll only drive yourself crazy. A lot of this comes from a strong sense of self, confidence, knowing who you are and what you bring to the table. People will inevitably hurt you, you cannot change that fact. No way. This is a simple fact that most humans lose sight of, and I find that to be very sad.
I’m writing this because it’s Sunday afternoon, on a gorgeous day. I had a lot of plans today, which have been pushed aside due to me hurting my knee again yesterday and landing in the ER for most of my day. Whenever these things happen to me (which is often due to my lifestyle), I get depressed. I cannot sit around for too long without sinking, it is just my extremist personality, I guess. Once I start to sink, I either curl up on the couch and watch TV, or I write. I chose to write, which is much better than the Demerol and red wine coma I could be in.
I feel that I am finally getting to a place of happiness in my life, like true happiness. I just accepted an amazing job in Los Angeles for a global firm that comes along with a HUGE paycheck, a corner office, an executive title, full travel schedule and the potential of a 6-bedroom 5000 sq ft house. I’ve arrived, career-wise, and it’s about time. I’m also happy because I’ll finally be living where I want to be, and have wanted to be since I am 7 years old and that is Southern California where my best friend, brother, and 10,000 other close friends moved over the years. Again, with the ups comes the downs, and while I am preparing myself for the “other shoe to drop” I am still hopeful for my future, which is a nice change.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, get up, brush yourself off and make a positive change. All of these things come from focusing on yourself, and not obsessing on others while you lose yourself.
So, get busy living, or get busy dying. It’s simple.
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