I have always been such a control freak. I want to control everything around me, from work, to finances, my health, the health of people I love, the way I react to things, my rage, my addictions, you name it and I have attempted to control it on some level.
There was always one aspect of my life that I could never control, however, and that is matters of the heart. I was/am always more free-spirited when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I guess I realized early on that you can’t control other people. Regardless of how much you love someone, they will always hurt you and let you down in some way. The only thing you can control is your reaction to said hurt and let downs. You can either choose to flip out, cry and ask why, or you can just accept it for what it is, keep your self-confidence intact and move on. Some people choose to stay, others choose to leave. It really doesn’t matter, because all that matters is how you feel when you’re around that person.
If you spend your time worrying about what they’ll do next, you lose sight of the bigger picture which is YOU. If you waste your energy thinking about how you can control their actions, you only spite yourself. One of two things will inevitably happen:
#1 – You forget who YOU are, and one day when that relationship is over the mourning will be worse because you lost yourself in the process. Not only do you need to extinguish this person from your life, you’ll need to find yourself again, which only makes the pain that much more unbearable.
Or, #2 – You will only succeed in pushing that person further away from you, because the reality is – no one likes or needs a person who lacks self-confidence. Self-confidence is undeniably sexy and what attracts most people to you in the first place. If you get wrapped up trying to control someone else, you only lose that allure.
Every day of my life is met with with a different lesson. I literally learn something new about myself before I lay my head down at night to go to sleep. This is my drive in life, this is what keeps me going. There is nothing more exciting than growing and evolving as a person! I have done things that I am not proud of. I have lied to people I love, I have hurt people in the process. Regardless of the rare lies that I tell, I genuinely try to live my life by being honest, no matter how difficult it may seem. Living a lie is actually more difficult because you live in constant fear and self-loathing. I don’t know about y’all, but I just can’t live like that. Some people force themselves to believe their own lies, and then end up swimming in a swamp of denial which to me, is a fate worse than death.
I have recently learned a very valuable lesson. I cannot control my own thoughts the way I wish I could. I cannot control the way I feel at any given moment, I can only try to be honest and live in the moment, no matter how complicated that may be.
Love will make you crazy, it will make you feel hopeless, alone, shattered, betrayed, destroyed. On the other hand, it will also lift you to heights you never realized possible. There’s a catch though… With everything amazing in life, there is an equal downside. Things can only stand the test of time by how they survive the hardships. If everything were easy, life would be boring. There would be nothing worth fighting for, and no reason to get up in the morning.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, and I have figured out that when I find something special, something amazing, a connection that blows my mind, a friendship that I can’t believe I lived without for so long, I hold on to that and cherish it. No matter how fucked up things get, no matter how dramatic life can be – in the end, it’s all worth it. At least to me…
I have so many friends, who mean so much to me. I have been blessed in that respect, and I hold my intense connections dear. I wish everyone would do the same, but without anger, resentment, fear, insecurities. Why would I waste my time worrying about someone else’s connection to someone I love, when I can just spend that time focusing that energy on OUR connection? Spend the time improving on myself, giving myself something to look forward to, something to smile about? My point is, have a little bit of faith in what you have, and stop worrying about what others have, or what you may be missing…
In the long run, the only thing you’ll be missing is your own opportunity to grow and improve. That, my friends, is an EPIC loss and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself for losing it.
On that note – I leave you with a diddy by Lady Gaga. A diddy with a GREAT message.
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