After 9 long years, my husband and I are headed to splitsville. It’s so difficult to differentiate between what’s worth fighting for, and what’s not. I feel as if my heart has been crushed, but I know that separation is inevitable.
I’ve spent such a long time just accepting things for what they are, and not really working towards what I really want. The truth is, I am chock full of issues that stem all the way back to my crazy childhood. While I am strong enough to truly understand what they are, and their roots, I’m sometimes not strong enough to pull myself out of the hole, so to speak.
I was abandoned by my biological father, then by my step-father. A kid has a difficult time understanding outside factors that contributed to that abandonment, and if not dealt with correctly, can lead to issues in adulthood. I can admit, I have some of those residual effects that affect my life on a daily basis. It’s evident to me that I have to figure out a way to get a handle on these behaviors.
I’m epically selfish, I tend to want to control everything, I’m prone to bouts of depression that include, but are not limited to, addictive behaviors rearing their ugly heads. I know that I can be a handful, I’m far from perfect, and when I’m in an abyss, standing by me can be tough because I tend to hide it, and isolate. I’m too prideful, my ego is too big to show any measure of weakness. I have a constant need to improve on everything around me. When I do not succeed in that, I tend to lose motivation. I lack patience. I lack understanding, and can be rather harsh. I don’t typically see things through. When I lose patience, I tend to change my mind completely. I don’t have traditional values, or ideas of relationships. The list of flaws goes on, and on. I also have a lot of amazing traits, I’m more than confident in the fact that despite all of the above flaws, I am one hell of a catch. When I love, it’s full of fire and passion, and any person who is the object of my affections is one lucky fuck.
I love Craig, I truly do. That being said, we’ve had issues for a long, long time. I’ve never had a real sense of equality in the relationship, I’ve never really felt secure enough to open up fully, and truly. I have trust issues with him as it pertains to him being an “adult,” which equates to me treating him like a child, which equates to a less than passionate sex life, which equates to unhappiness on BOTH sides.
I recognize all of these problems, I see them coming from hundreds of miles away and instead of choosing to fight, talk them out, deal with impending doom, we both crawled into shells and let our undeniably amazing connection epically fail. It’s fucking HEARTBREAKING.
Craig is the first person in my life that I wanted to marry, wanted to be faithful to (to the best of my fucked up ability), actually considered procreating with (if only for a fleeting second), and wanted to love with all of my heart.
He’s an amazing guy, hell, he’d have to be to put up with me and my crazy ideals. I was lucky to find, love and be with him. On the same token, I cannot allow myself to idealize him. This story has two people at fault. Two people who need to be held accountable for their actions that inevitably led us to where we are now.
I can say that I’ve never felt more crushed than I do at this moment. I’ve never felt more let down, more alone, more insanely confused than I do at this moment. I have no idea where we will end up, whether together or apart, happy or filled with regret, I can’t possibly make any assumptions, nor can I predict the future. All I have at this point is my strong intuition, a head full of “black hole” and a horrible weight on my chest.
I’ve said it before: love is a huge risk. It can either propel you to amazing heights, or it can destroy you, if you let it. I don’t believe in bitterness, I don’t believe in putting up walls, nor do I believe in playing emotional games, or wasting my time. In short, even if we do split, I will not allow myself to be destroyed. I’ve spent way too much time in this abyss, and I need to help myself. At the end of the day, the only person who can save me is ME.
I do not doubt that I will eventually be OK. I just need to fix myself, and not look to someone else to provide me with happiness. I look to Craig for support, and respect. I’m not looking for him to be my hero, I don’t need a hero. I need a friend, a lover, and someone who doesn’t cut and run when shit gets hard.
If its meant to be, we’ll get through this. If its not? I can’t control that, and I can’t lose sleep over it. I have to stand up, brush myself off and keep it moving.
I’m done crying, I’m finished with worrying. My heart is way too heavy to begin with, I cannot afford added weight. My husband either sees this, or he doesn’t. He can do the same as I, and take accountability for his epic mistakes over the last 9 years, or he won’t. Again, I can’t control that, and I refuse to even try. I need to worry about me, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
So, the fantasy of everlasting love is exactly that, a fantasy. I’m not a dreamer, I’m a hardcore realist, but I have faith that things will work out the way they’re supposed to.
dimentra dot com 