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A perfectly planned life, will imperfectly unfold
The Tragedy of Cancer
I’ve mentioned my tight-knit circle of friends more than a few times. I am very lucky for more than a handful of reasons, but my friends are my biggest blessing. Being that I had such a rough childhood, my friends saved me more often than I remember. In fact, I don’t know what I would do without them. Sometimes life gets in the way, we get busy and time gets by us, but I know that if I needed any one of them, at any moment, they’d be there. This goes both ways.
One of my closest friends, Veronica Diaz, passed away from Cancer in December 2000. It was a terrible tragedy, which I had no part of because I was too busy flushing my life up my arm in the form of a dull needle filled with heroin. Veronica tried to talk to me about what had happened to my life many times, but like any other junkie, I just pushed her away. When she first got sick, I was aware of it. Soon after, she went into remission, and I moved on to South Florida to clean up my life. While I was away, the Cancer came back with a vengeance and stole her life. She was a mere 24 years old, with so much ahead of her. I did not even find out she passed until 6 months after it happened, when I called her house and her older sister answered the phone and told me what happened. I was devastated, but not nearly as devastated as her older sister, and one of my all-time best friends, Virginia. The truth is, I was so wrapped up in myself for so long, that I did not even think about Veronica, or Virginia for quite some time.
After I heard about her passing, my guilt and sorrow were so heavy. Not only was I going through the insurmountable depression that comes along with quitting a drug like heroin, I hated myself for what I had done to them. Just being there would have made such a difference to Virginia, just a simple phone call, anything… I missed her wedding, I wasn’t there at the end. Sigh. Alas, her death was not about me and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Her death affected so many people in such a profound way, I was only a small part of that.
It has been almost 12 years, and not a day that goes by that I do not think about her, or dream about her. It is a constant reminder to put myself in check and to stop being so self-absorbed and letting time slip away from me and what can be precious moments with the people I love. My friends ARE my family, and I will never allow myself to forget that again.
Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 36 years old. She was so vibrant, fun, beautiful and sweet. She also had such a fiery side to her. I remember one time in Junior High School, we got into a fight that lasted an entire month and ended in a hand-to-hand combat in the hallway. At the end of the fight we were crying and hugging each other with handfuls of each others hair stuck to us, and blood dripping down our faces from beating the crap out of each other. At the end of the day, we loved each other very much, and we both knew it.
I had a boyfriend in High School who was a nightmare. He hit me a few times, and one time in particular he slammed my head up against a concrete wall in the hallway and gave me a concussion. I left school early and went home, not knowing that I had a concussion at the time. Veronica happened to call me from the payphone and when I answered the phone, I was very foggy. She kept asking me what happened, and when I told her she slammed the phone down and ran 1.5 miles with Virginia in tow, to kick down my door and wake me up. She was worried that I’d fall asleep and never wake up. She was that kind of friend, and more.
I missed out on a lot of time with her due to my selfish, destructive behavior. While I try to live my life without regret, Veronica Diaz is the one thing that I regret more than anything. I would give anything to have her back, so I could apologize for being such a shitty friend to her. The fact is, I cannot have that and I have to live with that guilt.
In short, cherish the people you love every single day because you never, EVER know when it will be their last moment on earth. Happiest of Birthdays, my beautiful friend. I love and miss you more than you can ever imagine.
My Adventures With The Master Cleanse
I am in the midst of my 3rd MC fast, and I am a big believer in fasting for numerous reasons…
#1 – It is good to push yourself to insane limits. Just when you think you can’t go anymore, something drives you to push through. There is nothing more humbling then depriving yourself of a basic need. It teaches you a whole new level of discipline and perseverance. It makes you tougher. It’s a lot like running or skating (both of which I do a lot of), just when you feel like you’ll collapse from exhaustion, you reach deep down and pull motivation out of nowhere, and when you’re finished, it is the greatest feeling EVER.
#2 – It’s healthy to give your digestive system a rest from solids every now and then. Your body works very hard every day to rid itself of toxins you breathe, eat, and drink. Your organs literally go on overtime to process all of that shit, then you pile a bunch of shitty food on top of it and wahlah! Here comes the lack of energy, lack of focus, and plain old depression. At least for me. When I fast, after day 4, I feel like a whole new person! Not only do I lose extreme amounts of weight rather quickly (I can lose up to 15 lbs in 7 days!), my skin glows, my hair shines, my body gets tighter, my eyes clearer, I focus better and I have all kinds of energy.
#3 – It’s like a “do-over” for your body. If you are currently addicted to anything, i.e., cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, carbs, or anything not great for you, a fast will quickly rid you of that and allow you start over – fresh!
So, today is Day 5 of my 3rd MC and I feel GREAT. I am handling this go-around way better then I handled the last one, which was the beginning of January. So far, in this round, I have dropped 7 lbs. and I am not even hungry! The January fast yielded a total of 22 lbs dropped, and a renewed sense of motivation! I wound up gaining back only 4-5 lbs when I went back to food.
While I have never been “fat,” I did gain a bit more weight than I should have after some medical complications back in September of 2011, when I put on 35 lbs in a very short period due to a couple of rounds of chemotherapy injections that made me retain water and literally swell! Of course, me being the “Polish Princess of Darkness” I could not get the weight loss side-effect. lol. At a mere 5’4” tall and a very petite, small frame – I should never weigh more than 120 (tops!) and I was pushing 150 for a minute there. #nothot
Anyways, the MC is basically a fast where you drink the following recipe:
Per 8 oz of water –
2 Tbsp GRADE B ORGANIC Maple Syrup
2 Tbsp ORGANIC fresh squeezed lemon juice
1/10 tsp of Cayenne pepper
How much are you supposed to drink? Divide your body weight by 2, and that’s how many oz you should consume at a minimum on a daily basis.
On top of that, you should either drink a laxative tea every night before bed, or upon waking in the am mix 1 pint of lukewarm spring water with 2 tbsp of NATURAL SEA SALT (no other kind of salt!) and drink that down quickly. Yes, it’s horrible and I opt for the tea and only do the Salt Water Flush on the weekends. Stay close to a bathroom, kids because 20 minutes after you finish that you literally piss out of your ass for 2 straight hours. Gross? Maybe… but you feel amazing when it’s all over (besides a burning asshole – buy baby wipes!) and it really speeds up the detoxification and weight loss process.
Some side-effects that I have noticed:
- Raging headaches for the first 4 days
- Your bum burns from the cayenne pepper your ingesting (yes, I am serious)
- Fatigue for the first 3 days
- Pale for the first 3 days (And I am almost alabaster as it is)
- I get chest pains on the right side. I saw a doc about it, it’s nothing. Just stress in my case.
- My TMJ is terrible for the first 3 days. I walk around with my jaw locked. After day 4? Relaxation city!
- You piss like a racehorse every 20 minutes.
That’s about it. In short, I love it and how it makes me feel. Who needs food?
OK, well I do. I love to cook it, eat it and enjoy it. I do this once per quarter, though, for about 10-15 days each time. Y’all should try it! If you have the willpower to do it, it’s worth it! You feel accomplished, healthy, look amazing, etc.
Now I leave you with my favorite training montage! Rocky motivates me to get ripped, man. I am back in the gym – HARDCORE – tomorrow. Gotta get in sick shape, fix this damaged knee, and get my ass on skates again. I have speed records to SHATTER.
As Quickly as it Comes, it Goes…
There are a couple of things in this world that quickly turn me off…
- Liars – the occasional white lie is one thing, but when most of life is based on an alternate reality you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night? I have no time for that.
- Inconsistency – if you feel a certain way, stick to it. Deal with it. Don’t flip-flop.
- Self-Centeredness – it’s not all about you. Hang up the enormous ego and look around. Sometimes other people exist.
It usually takes a lot of the above to piss me off enough to cut someone out of my life, but I notice that as I get older, I lose my patience. I simply do not have the time, nor energy it requires to placate you, and deal with your drama. YOU deal with your own drama, make your own decisions and be strong enough to express said decisions and thoughts without back-peddling and floundering. There is nothing more unattractive than a person who does that shit.
So, STOP, or fuck off.
Roller Derby Saved My Soul
Originally posted @ “The Diary of a Roller Girl” on tumblr.com – 8/2007
Where do I begin? I can start with my story, I guess, but the edited version. Not the one that makes you want to pull your eyes out of your head, or bury yourself under your blankets and sleep, but the one that may actually inspire you. Sort of like the story that inspired me a few years ago, but I won’t get into that now…
I am a 35 year-old chick living in NYC for pretty much my entire life, give or take short stints in Idaho, California, Arizona, Illinois, Hawaii, and Florida, I’ve always managed to come back to where I originally hail from – the insane and over-crowded metropolis of “Gotham City.” I can’t really say what constantly draws me back here, besides the amazing pizza, as NYC and I have come to the agreement that we are in a love/hate relationship. While her concrete sidewalks has provided me with immeasurable amounts of street smarts and more than my fair share of career luck, I have grown tired of her tourists, filth, cold winters and panicked lifestyles and long for a more serene, beautiful and warmer environment. I am proud of my city, however, and am in awe of it’s sheer madness on a daily basis.
I digress…
In my circle of friends, I have been known as the “party girl.” The one who gets everyone together, makes the plans, stays out all night, throws crazy parties, loves to throw back a cocktail or 7 and never, ever wants to settle down. While all of my friends started having children the thought of growing a child of my own makes my ovaries shrivel in fear. I’m just not ready. I’ll never be “ready.”
I prefer to travel, drink delicious sangria on a Tuesday night, dance until my legs fall off, buy gorgeous outfits, change my hair color on a constant basis, indulge in many adult like activities, and get tattoo’ed more often than I should. There is just no room for a child in a lifestyle like that, and the fact that I can admit that I do not posses that “baby gene” makes me a rarity in this world.
I had always been on the slender side, and never really worked out much. I was blessed in that regard, never weighing more than 115 lb. at 5’4”. I was also blessed with more than half of a brain and the gift of gab which can get me out of any situation I can find myself in, for the most part. On the other side of that, I was cursed with a raging temper and a fierce sense of loyalty to the people that I love the most. I will gouge your eyes out if you even attempt to screw with me or anyone in my circle, for that matter.
As I have grown a bit older, I have managed to control that rage of mine and have also noticed that being naturally slender is no longer in the cards for me. All of my years of drinking wine, sitting on the couch, partying all night long, and eating whatever I wanted are long gone. I now find myself a 35 year-old chick with a 135 lb body and a slew of health issues due to the aforementioned activities.
Years ago, while nursing a hangover, I came across a documentary about the Texas Roller Girls and literally fell in LOVE. I had a fire in me so hot that I could barely contain myself. I researched derby all over google and decided that I wanted to start my own league in Staten Island, NY. Needless to say, after some drama and lack of participation, it didn’t happen and the old habits got their way with me once again. I let a few more years slip by me and a few hundred more drinks slide down my throat and a few more pounds find their way to my ass.
When 2010 rolled around, and the big “3-5” was lurking nearby, I started to become antsy again. I had this need in me to do something with myself. I wanted to do something that not only challenged me physically, but was also beyond fun and a great outlet for my aggression, so I once again came upon Roller Derby.
I started skating in my old boot style “Chicago” skates at the local roller rink with some friends on Saturday nights. When I realized I was not as bad as I thought, I joined the Gotham Girls Roller Derby forums and yahoo training group and started reading about other girls and their experiences. At first, I did not post anything, as I was curious if girls my age were actually doing this, or if I were some kind of freak going through early-onset midlife crisis… Then the posts started pouring in and girls of all walks of life were setting up “skate dates” with each other. I was beyond excited and ran out and got myself a pair of Riedell R3 speed skates and protective gear and then…. I started posting.
I signed up for a class that met every Saturday morning in a playground in Brooklyn and the day it started I was so nervous I thought I would vomit. I got through it though, and not only was it amazing, it was quite possibly the best feeling I had ever had in my life. For the first time I was meeting girls who were a lot like me… tatted up party girls, misfits, girls who never really got along with other chicks and had mostly guy friends, girls my age, some even older… It was a sisterhood and a cool, bad ass one at that! Bonus – I was not only acquiring a skill, getting in shape, I was forming unbelievable friendships along the way.
This blog is going to be about my experiences with changing my lifestyle, getting off of my ass, getting into sick shape, quitting drinking so much, putting a hold on the insane partying, and training so hard that I feel like I am going to drop dead – all for the love of Roller Derby!
I am aiming high – not only am I starting this at 35, with minimal athletic experience, but I am training for and trying out for the most competitive league in the US – “Gotham Girls” of NYC.
I started training in April, but am now just getting around to the hardcore stuff like the gym and skating more often than I walk and plan on documenting every step along the way. Tryouts are November 20th and while I doubt I will make it this year, I will not quit and will keep going until I do make it. Wish me luck with that.
Besides, the bright-side is – I will have a killer set of stems and an awesome apple ass pretty soon. Right on!
Don’t mess with me! lol
Motivation
Dear Motivation,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you. You see, although you didn’t know it, the mere thought of you has changed my life. In a way, you have saved me from a deep abyss, where I had been drowning in my own sorrows for many years. It was almost as if I had been tossed down a well and left for dead. I clawed and scratched at the walls, but all it did was take part of me away – one fingernail at a time – and left me bleeding, angry and alone.
When I first found you, it was a small shining sliver of light escaping through the boards above me, reaching far down into my self-inflicted cave and giving me just a little bit of hope.
I abused myself down there. I beat myself down. I beat I my body down. I let myself go. I drowned myself in alcohol. I swam in a freezing pool of my own excrement, and the worst part of it was that I never saw anything wrong with it. I justified my actions, felt sorry for myself, chalked it up to “normal” and soothed myself with the fact that everyone around me was doing the same, therefore, it MUST be OK.
When I found you, I found something to look forward to. That sliver of light became thicker everyday, until it finally bathed me in it’s warmth and forced me to face myself and what I had been doing.
Cancer scares, breathing problems, severe allergies, depression, mood swings, uncontrollable anger, misery… how did I manage to survive like that for 4 years? How did I keep my friends? How did I pretend like everything was fine, when it sure as hell wasn’t? How did I hide this from my family?
When I found you, I found me. You gave me a reason to change. You gave me hope. You forced me out of that hole, I called an existence, and into the light again. You made me realize that not only am I am strong person, but that I was worth saving. You taught me that drowning out the pain is that old familiar “friend” that I always turn to because it’s easy. It’s an old groove in the record that is my life, and it takes a lot of you and a lot of strength to force that needle out of it and on to the next.
Since you slapped me with that icy hand of reality, I have slowly been feeling better and better. While every day brings with it some kind of hurdle, or pain, I can now deal with it in a healthier way. You have given me so much over the last 35 years, but in the last 5 months you have really pushed through and given me a new lease, and for that – I can never thank you enough.
Running has become my release. Skating has given me strength. With every weight lifted, another mental demon extinguished. I’m addicted to you, and how you make me feel. You’re like a drug, the perfect drug, and I cannot get enough of you…
Thank you for taking the time to save my life, over and over. Thank you for standing up to me and forcing me into the light. Thank you for giving me a reason to breathe again.
Don’t ever leave me…
Love always,
Glory
Reviews
A review of my old dimentra dot com site:
http://www.theweblogreview.com/review/2370/
I am in the process of revamping this site, and combining with my gloryangelina.com, which I pulled mostly everything down but the intro due to some annoyances that have recently come my way. The intro is also way old and outdated and plain old CHEESE. I will be redoing that as well.
I will be reposting soon, though! Hang tight, kids. 🙂
Control, and More of Life’s Oddities…
I have always been such a control freak. I want to control everything around me, from work, to finances, my health, the health of people I love, the way I react to things, my rage, my addictions, you name it and I have attempted to control it on some level.
There was always one aspect of my life that I could never control, however, and that is matters of the heart. I was/am always more free-spirited when it came to love, relationships, friendships. I guess I realized early on that you can’t control other people. Regardless of how much you love someone, they will always hurt you and let you down in some way. The only thing you can control is your reaction to said hurt and let downs. You can either choose to flip out, cry and ask why, or you can just accept it for what it is, keep your self-confidence intact and move on. Some people choose to stay, others choose to leave. It really doesn’t matter, because all that matters is how you feel when you’re around that person.
If you spend your time worrying about what they’ll do next, you lose sight of the bigger picture which is YOU. If you waste your energy thinking about how you can control their actions, you only spite yourself. One of two things will inevitably happen:
#1 – You forget who YOU are, and one day when that relationship is over the mourning will be worse because you lost yourself in the process. Not only do you need to extinguish this person from your life, you’ll need to find yourself again, which only makes the pain that much more unbearable.
Or, #2 – You will only succeed in pushing that person further away from you, because the reality is – no one likes or needs a person who lacks self-confidence. Self-confidence is undeniably sexy and what attracts most people to you in the first place. If you get wrapped up trying to control someone else, you only lose that allure.
Every day of my life is met with with a different lesson. I literally learn something new about myself before I lay my head down at night to go to sleep. This is my drive in life, this is what keeps me going. There is nothing more exciting than growing and evolving as a person! I have done things that I am not proud of. I have lied to people I love, I have hurt people in the process. Regardless of the rare lies that I tell, I genuinely try to live my life by being honest, no matter how difficult it may seem. Living a lie is actually more difficult because you live in constant fear and self-loathing. I don’t know about y’all, but I just can’t live like that. Some people force themselves to believe their own lies, and then end up swimming in a swamp of denial which to me, is a fate worse than death.
I have recently learned a very valuable lesson. I cannot control my own thoughts the way I wish I could. I cannot control the way I feel at any given moment, I can only try to be honest and live in the moment, no matter how complicated that may be.
Love will make you crazy, it will make you feel hopeless, alone, shattered, betrayed, destroyed. On the other hand, it will also lift you to heights you never realized possible. There’s a catch though… With everything amazing in life, there is an equal downside. Things can only stand the test of time by how they survive the hardships. If everything were easy, life would be boring. There would be nothing worth fighting for, and no reason to get up in the morning.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching, and I have figured out that when I find something special, something amazing, a connection that blows my mind, a friendship that I can’t believe I lived without for so long, I hold on to that and cherish it. No matter how fucked up things get, no matter how dramatic life can be – in the end, it’s all worth it. At least to me…
I have so many friends, who mean so much to me. I have been blessed in that respect, and I hold my intense connections dear. I wish everyone would do the same, but without anger, resentment, fear, insecurities. Why would I waste my time worrying about someone else’s connection to someone I love, when I can just spend that time focusing that energy on OUR connection? Spend the time improving on myself, giving myself something to look forward to, something to smile about? My point is, have a little bit of faith in what you have, and stop worrying about what others have, or what you may be missing…
In the long run, the only thing you’ll be missing is your own opportunity to grow and improve. That, my friends, is an EPIC loss and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself for losing it.
On that note – I leave you with a diddy by Lady Gaga. A diddy with a GREAT message.
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