Category Archives: Work

May 25 2012
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Life, Work

Focus, or Lack Thereof…

I have been having an unusual amount of trouble focusing as of late. This has been a growing phenomenon with me over the last 8 months or so. Focus was always my strong suit, especially when it came to work. My strong work ethic, combined with my need to succeed, often propelled me to great heights in my 20 year career. I feel like I still have a large amount of interest in what I do, as well as a need for success, but I just can’t seem to lock myself down and concentrate. My mind is all over the place, and I don’t know if that stems from unhappiness, or just masked disinterest. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but try as I might, I see no answers.

I rarely allow myself to get lost in daydreams, or become so unfocused on myself that I begin to let everything in my life start to fade. I find myself in this strange stage of my life, and everything about me is changing. I’m not sure if it’s for the best, or the opposite, to be honest.

For example, when I’m sitting in a meeting, that is very important and involves potential clients, I find myself drifting. I have to consciously force myself to sit up straight, listen to what people are saying and contribute with useful information. I almost feel like I have A.D.D. I have endured my share of ups and downs, whirlwind romances, breakups, career highs and lows, but this is simply mind boggling. In fact, I cannot remember a time in my life that I was this distracted! It’s scary!

Could it be a medical problem? Am I simply so I dissatisfied with my life that I am losing interest in everything around me? Have I reached a breaking point? Is it the fact that I am turning 37 in July? I wish I knew this answer because this is frustrating. While there are outside factors that have notably contributed to my lack of concentration, I cannot blame it all on those. I’ve been down this road and never lost myself in the process. I always worried about me, my life, my interests, my health. Well, besides my stint with heroin in my 20’s, but even that didn’t last more than a year, and I was able to pull myself out of the deepest abyss I’ve ever seen!

On top of that, I constantly feel like I’m being monitored and need to watch everything I say and do because of it. It’s frustrating for a person like me, because I am so forthcoming, honest and open. I have had to “put a lid on it” for almost 6 months now, in fears that anything I say can be misconstrued. Gah! There are some days that I get so angry about it that I literally want to choke someone. Do you know what it’s like to be a blog writer, who has been writing online for years, writes columns based on her life, blogs that have hundreds of thousands of followers and fans, yet have to censor yourself because 1 person is mentally off? It’s ridiculous. I know I shouldn’t care, and just live my life, but how do you do that? It’s almost selfish behavior, and I don’t want to cause any more waves then I have to, although I’m currently not doing ANYTHING WRONG!

In life there are positives and negatives, good and bad. In my life right now, I am dealing with lack of focus and motivation, and the one thing that always helps me sort out my feelings, I cannot do. That has me feeling angry, resentful, etc. I’ve learned to push it to the back burner as best as I can, and realize that some people just are who they are. I can only take solace in the fact that I have managed to surround myself with amazing, artistic, confident, and reasonable people. I guess that’s all that matters in the big picture. Right?

Anyway, I’m trying my absolute best to take the high road, center myself, focus on ME and what’s best for me and not worry about all of these outside bullshit factors that stress me out. It’s just not worth it. I’m forcing myself to do what I do best, and that’s make myself whole and happy. My home life is not in the best state it could be in, rightfully so. My work life is stressful, but I manage to separate that from my personal life, for the most part. My finances are not where they should be because I feel like I am financially supporting everyone, which is somewhat true, although my own fault. While I’ve lost a good amount of weight, and I am looking great, I am not feeling great. I am always tired, cranky, my weight fluctuates up and down like 15 lbs, which is not healthy. My diet changes often due to my stress factors on any given week. I need to have some consistency in my life. I need to create a workout schedule and stick to it, no matter how difficult. I need to set some financial boundaries with people, just because I have money it does not mean I should support everyone around me. I need set some social boundaries and let my friends know that I too have a life, and my life does not revolve around them and that fact that they all decided to have multiple children. I did not choose that life for a reason.

Ah, I don’t know. Things always manage to work themselves out in my life, but I feel like I’m getting to the point where I need to take more of a stand, and I will, it just takes time.

So, gone are the days where I waste my time worrying about everyone else. I need to focus on me and what’s best for my life. For real. Fuck everyone else for once.

Now if only I could stick to that, I’d be golden! 🙂

Happy Memorial Day weekend, all! Enjoy your BBQ’s, beach time and fun.

XO

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Apr 29 2012
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Life, Marriage, Nutrition & Health, Work

Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying…

As humans, we tend to put things off. “I will start exercising next week,” or, “I will quit drinking tomorrow.” We’re famous for procrastination. We’re all just lost souls looking for a way to make ourselves feel whole again. Sometimes we find solace in drugs, alcohol, food, a failing relationship, a marriage, a lover, a great book, our children, home lives, jobs, a pad and pen… Anything to keep our minds off of what the real problem is: Ourselves.

No one wants to face their issues, it’s painful. Really looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing your physical, and emotional flaws hurts. Gathering the motivation to change yourself is difficult, at best. We all repeat the same cycles over and over – up and down, down and up, co-dependency, independence, insecurity, confidence… it’s all the same. What goes up, must come down.

What allows us to muster up the motivation to face our biggest fears and change that which brings us down? It’s a difficult question to answer, and sometimes it’s glaringly obvious, but most times we do not even see the abyss we’ve created for ourselves until it’s too late and something catastrophic must occur for us to “wake up.” Maybe a death, the fact that a long-term relationship is not what you thought it was, a job that makes you unhappy, a growing waistline that you didn’t really notice until you pull on a pair of jeans that you can’t zipper anymore, or simply just trying to force yourself out of bed in the morning. Any of these things, ranging from catastrophic to simplistic, can force you to open your eyes. In the long run, you almost have to be grateful for the opportunity to see the light, as some people never get that. I know people who are so unaware of themselves that it is terrifying to watch. They literally have no idea who they are, and how the world reacts to their presence. I can sit down and give you a detailed list of all of the things that are wrong with me, every single flaw I possess. It’s good to be aware of that, but it’s knowing how to fix them or improve on yourself that matters.

I personally go through ups and downs more often than I’d like to admit. I find myself sinking at times, and usually before I get too deep I can pull myself up and force myself into the light again. I am lucky in that respect. Where I am unlucky is my tendency to fall in the first place. There are a few things in this crazy life that can pull me down, and they are as follows:

  • Love – When I fall in love, which is rare for me, I tend to REALLY fall hard. While I am quite realistic, I also find myself becoming whimsical about a person, and idealizing them when I shouldn’t. I guess everyone does that at first, as it is quite difficult to avoid. The beginning of something is always the best part, and it’s easy to lose sight of reality. I work extra hard to keep my feet planted on the ground and think about the things that are “unsexy” about a person, rather than see them through rose colored glasses. I sometimes get caught up in the newness of things though, and I quickly realize that I am doing that and can most times correct myself before it’s too late.
  • Work – When I become frustrated with my job, I lose motivation. Once I lose that? My focus goes straight out the window. I need to be challenged at work, and when I am not, my interest wanes, quickly.
  • Myself – I am an extremist. I am either a neat freak or a total slob; a health nut, or killing myself; so active that it’s crazy, or laying on the couch for 3 days straight; a social butterfly, or isolating and keeping my phone on silent. Everyone who truly knows me, knows this about me and can usually decide whether or not they will let me wallow, or attempt to pull me out. Due to my insane social calendar and long list of amazing friends, most times, I am not “allowed” to wallow for too long. Plus, I truly love myself and I usually won’t allow myself to become “that person” who whines about their life, but does nothing to change it. Admittedly, there have been times when I allow that to go on a lot longer than it should, but the people around me will never know it. I rarely show my weaknesses because my ego is way too big to allow that. I’m a force, and I have a rep to protect. My ego keeps me from sinking too far, and for that, I am grateful. Otherwise I’d be 200 lbs, and miserable. I’ve never been more than 20 lbs overweight, due to this ego of mine. I feel I am way too hot and amazing to allow myself to slip that far. I understand how it happens to people though, I just don’t understand how they allow it to keep happening. There is a thing called “self-love, and self-respect,” after all.

There have been times that I have found myself in a relationship where I begin to change things about myself to accommodate my mate. I am smart enough to know that if I allow myself to continue down a path like that, the relationship will inevitably fail. No one wants to be with someone who is miserable, complains constantly, does nothing to change or fix themselves and then projects the blame for said misery on their mate. Ick. However, relationships are a give and take. You get back what you put into it, right? I am a strong believer in the fact that if you improve upon yourself, you improve upon your relationship. You know how in a plane, you are supposed to put the oxygen mask on you before helping anyone else? Same theory in life, and relationships. You cannot help anyone until you help yourself.

If you’re sitting at home and obsessing over things you cannot control, like what your mate is doing when he/she is out of sight, or what is going on with your friends, or your job when you’re not around – you’ll only drive yourself crazy. A lot of this comes from a strong sense of self, confidence, knowing who you are and what you bring to the table. People will inevitably hurt you, you cannot change that fact. No way. This is a simple fact that most humans lose sight of, and I find that to be very sad.

I’m writing this because it’s Sunday afternoon, on a gorgeous day. I had a lot of plans today, which have been pushed aside due to me hurting my knee again yesterday and landing in the ER for most of my day. Whenever these things happen to me (which is often due to my lifestyle), I get depressed. I cannot sit around for too long without sinking, it is just my extremist personality, I guess. Once I start to sink, I either curl up on the couch and watch TV, or I write. I chose to write, which is much better than the Demerol and red wine coma I could be in.

I feel that I am finally getting to a place of happiness in my life, like true happiness. I just accepted an amazing job in Los Angeles for a global firm that comes along with a HUGE paycheck, a corner office, an executive title, full travel schedule and the potential of a 6-bedroom 5000 sq ft house. I’ve arrived, career-wise, and it’s about time. I’m also happy because I’ll finally be living where I want to be, and have wanted to be since I am 7 years old and that is Southern California where my best friend, brother, and 10,000 other close friends moved over the years. Again, with the ups comes the downs, and while I am preparing myself for the “other shoe to drop” I am still hopeful for my future, which is a nice change.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, get up, brush yourself off and make a positive change. All of these things come from focusing on yourself, and not obsessing on others while you lose yourself.

So, get busy living, or get busy dying. It’s simple.

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Apr 05 2012
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Life, Work

Keep Your ‘Lectric Eye on Me, Babe…

I been experiencing the most random emotions as of late. One minute I am violently happy, the next? Violently unhappy. Work has been absolutely insane, and while I love my job and staying busy, it’s almost becoming overwhelming, which is RARE for me.

I recently received a job offer for the most INSANE opportunity. It’s where I want to be, geographically speaking, and the position itself is where I should be at this point in my long career. The salary is also more than double what I make now. So, what’s the problem, you ask? Well, it’s in an industry that I tried very hard to get away from due to the stress levels and very long hours – Law Firms. I left a prestigious LF to come to my current position a mere 7 months ago, and honestly it was the best decision I’ve ever made for a multitude of reasons. Part of me does not want to go back to that world, but the practical part knows that this is an offer I simply shouldn’t refuse. I’d be a fool, quite honestly; however, along with that fat paycheck comes a certificate of ownership over your soul, that you sign and hand off to the LF.

Granted, I have mapped out a very free and beautiful life for myself thus far. I am free of insane personal responsibilities such as children, home ownership, etc. Working long hours is something I have always done, and it never bothered me. Quite the contrary, actually. As I get older though, I realize that I would like more time for myself, maybe to travel, skate, enjoy time with the people I love, go to the gym 3 hours per day, write more, etc.

It’s a tough choice to make, and after a lot of thought, I think I have finally made a decision. I guess we’ll see how it plays out.

In other news, some of my writing was picked up by a NYC publication and I will be published as of May! Exciting! I have signed up for fire-eating classes in Coney Island, and am insanely excited about my upcoming vacation to Texas! In short, life is good these days.

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Mar 13 2012
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Work

Dealing With Idiots – 101

Originally posted on myspace.com 11/28/2007

Current mood:contemplative

Idiot:  a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25.

      How does one deal with an idiot without stooping to said idiots level? It’s not easy, my friends.  I have been working in a corporate environment for 15 years and one would think that at my ripe age of 32 and my ample experience, that I would have all of the answers on how to deal with people.  The truth is, I am just as clueless now as I was 15 years ago.

      I have learned the following and I will share it with you, in hopes that you all can benefit from my pearls of wisdom:

1.  I have learned that no matter how loud you scream, people do not listen.  There is a certain level of bureaucracy in every corporate environment that comes along with the job.  You can’t fight it.  You can’t beat it.  It’s JUST the way it is.  No sense in losing sleep over it.

2.  I have learned that the key to success in life is simple; Control your anger and you shall receive the keys to the kingdom.  The first time you flip out, you will be instantly labeled “the irrational employee who cannot be managed.”  Once you have that label, no amount of hard work or gold stars will ever take that away.

3.  I have learned that first impressions are EVERYTHING in this environment.  You have to walk the walk, talk the talk and impress the shit out of people when you first meet them.  You never get a second chance for a first impression… well said.

4.  I have learned that a charming personality and a can-do attitude will propel you to amazing heights.  It does not even matter if you can do the job they hired you for, just as long as you can make them laugh and charm them, that is ALL anyone remembers (besides me, of course.  I always remember when someone sucks, no amount of charm will change my mind.)

5.  It’s a mans world.  Period.  However, if you have big tits, a round ass and a million dollar smile, you can make that man give you anything you want, without having to DO anything but be friendly and give him a glimmer of hope.  Men are pathetic, sorry boys, but it’s true.

6.  I have learned that women HATE me and for no good reason.  While I am quite the piece of ass, I am no Angelina Jolie.  I spent years trying to understand this phenomenon, and stressed myself out beyond any sense of normalcy.  It has taken me 15 years to figure it out and its so simple, it actually hurts.  Women are raging bitches.  It is just who WE are.  We work on power and that power, unfortunately, stems from our vaginas.  When we are near another woman who may have more “power” than us, we revert back to cave-women fighting for power amongst ourselves.  It’s incredibly sad, but true.  The only way a woman can overcome these primal instincts is to be chock full of confidence.  Then and ONLY then can they feel comfortable around other women.  I am happy to say that most times I AM that confident, however, I do have my moments.

7.  I have learned that most people in “charge” have NO idea what they are doing.  They most likely wake up every morning, look at themselves in the mirror and marvel at the fact that they have managed to snow the right people for so long.  I am sure they are just as shocked as you are that they actually have corporate clout.

      Once you have learned all of these things, you can actually begin to function as a normal, well-rounded and happy employee of “the man.”  Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and I still have a long, hard road ahead of me.  However, I am happy to know that in 2-3 years I will be off to Medical School and then 4 years after that, I will have a whole new set of politics to learn and discover as a Doctor working in a hospital.

     It’s a vicious circle. . .