I have a page on this site that is almost 5 years old called “Who am I?” I need to update it. We change so much as the years go on. I was reading it on the train this morning and laughing to myself. I’m so cocky sometimes. I make myself out to be so much bitchier than I actually am.
While my core beliefs are still the same, I am not nearly as harsh as I used to be. I am starting to learn about empathy a bit, JUST a bit…
I will probably update that sometime today. Stay tuned…
I love Pink Floyd, they always have just the right words.
Just booked a vacation to Austin, TX in May to see my sister and skate with some of the Texas girls! So exciting!
#1 – I have not seen my sister in a dogs age, #2 – I have never been to Austin, and #3 – I am excited to skate with a new group of badass chicks!
#gome
Now, time to work. 🙂
My Dearest California,
I’m leaving you again today, and as usual, I am more than depressed about having to go back to NYC. Every time the wheels of the plane hit the air and lift me up towards NYC, I am broken. My heart has always been and will always belong to California.
In short, it’s been an AMAZING week and as I pack my bags to head back “home,” I’m leaving yet another piece of my heart in your hands. Please take care of it, because I will be back soon, and probably for good. Thank you for showing me such a great time, and allowing me to flourish in your amazing sunlight.
Until we meet again, my love.
Glory
xxx
Yup, in my mind, I have done this at least 7 times today.
I started with Roller Derby back in 2010, and dabbled a bit prior to that as well. I’ll never forget the feeling I had the first time I attended a practice, it was as if I had found my true calling in life. Going in circles on the smooth pavement of a Brooklyn playground, with increasing speed and confidence, I felt so powerful. My legs cramping because we were told to “SKATE LOW” constantly, and were forced into a squat position while taking corners and doing crossovers for the first time. Center of gravity, and all. It made sense, but it fucking HURT. My thighs would burn, on FIRE, but I’d keep going because the wind in my hair felt so damn good! At the end of practice, I’d be pouring sweat and wanting to die, but I loved every second of it.
Derby/skating is my chemotherapy for psychological tumors. I went a very long time without strapping wheels to my tiny feet, and I missed the shit out of it. It’s almost Spring again, which means the derby circuit is coming alive again. My favorite time of year!
I’ll be skating a lot next week, and besides a slight knee injury, I’m more than ready! I get so addicted to things, people, food, that comes with having an addictive personality, but derby is not a bad thing to be addicted to. Especially, for a girl with a temper, attitude and personality like mine. I need an outlet for my aggression and rage, and I found that outlet in this sport.
So, here I go again… Back on wheels and spirits high!
Down 25 lbs, 5 more to go!
#gomastercleanse
I’ve mentioned my tight-knit circle of friends more than a few times. I am very lucky for more than a handful of reasons, but my friends are my biggest blessing. Being that I had such a rough childhood, my friends saved me more often than I remember. In fact, I don’t know what I would do without them. Sometimes life gets in the way, we get busy and time gets by us, but I know that if I needed any one of them, at any moment, they’d be there. This goes both ways.
One of my closest friends, Veronica Diaz, passed away from Cancer in December 2000. It was a terrible tragedy, which I had no part of because I was too busy flushing my life up my arm in the form of a dull needle filled with heroin. Veronica tried to talk to me about what had happened to my life many times, but like any other junkie, I just pushed her away. When she first got sick, I was aware of it. Soon after, she went into remission, and I moved on to South Florida to clean up my life. While I was away, the Cancer came back with a vengeance and stole her life. She was a mere 24 years old, with so much ahead of her. I did not even find out she passed until 6 months after it happened, when I called her house and her older sister answered the phone and told me what happened. I was devastated, but not nearly as devastated as her older sister, and one of my all-time best friends, Virginia. The truth is, I was so wrapped up in myself for so long, that I did not even think about Veronica, or Virginia for quite some time.
After I heard about her passing, my guilt and sorrow were so heavy. Not only was I going through the insurmountable depression that comes along with quitting a drug like heroin, I hated myself for what I had done to them. Just being there would have made such a difference to Virginia, just a simple phone call, anything… I missed her wedding, I wasn’t there at the end. Sigh. Alas, her death was not about me and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Her death affected so many people in such a profound way, I was only a small part of that.
It has been almost 12 years, and not a day that goes by that I do not think about her, or dream about her. It is a constant reminder to put myself in check and to stop being so self-absorbed and letting time slip away from me and what can be precious moments with the people I love. My friends ARE my family, and I will never allow myself to forget that again.
Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 36 years old. She was so vibrant, fun, beautiful and sweet. She also had such a fiery side to her. I remember one time in Junior High School, we got into a fight that lasted an entire month and ended in a hand-to-hand combat in the hallway. At the end of the fight we were crying and hugging each other with handfuls of each others hair stuck to us, and blood dripping down our faces from beating the crap out of each other. At the end of the day, we loved each other very much, and we both knew it.
I had a boyfriend in High School who was a nightmare. He hit me a few times, and one time in particular he slammed my head up against a concrete wall in the hallway and gave me a concussion. I left school early and went home, not knowing that I had a concussion at the time. Veronica happened to call me from the payphone and when I answered the phone, I was very foggy. She kept asking me what happened, and when I told her she slammed the phone down and ran 1.5 miles with Virginia in tow, to kick down my door and wake me up. She was worried that I’d fall asleep and never wake up. She was that kind of friend, and more.
I missed out on a lot of time with her due to my selfish, destructive behavior. While I try to live my life without regret, Veronica Diaz is the one thing that I regret more than anything. I would give anything to have her back, so I could apologize for being such a shitty friend to her. The fact is, I cannot have that and I have to live with that guilt.
In short, cherish the people you love every single day because you never, EVER know when it will be their last moment on earth. Happiest of Birthdays, my beautiful friend. I love and miss you more than you can ever imagine.
There are a couple of things in this world that quickly turn me off…
It usually takes a lot of the above to piss me off enough to cut someone out of my life, but I notice that as I get older, I lose my patience. I simply do not have the time, nor energy it requires to placate you, and deal with your drama. YOU deal with your own drama, make your own decisions and be strong enough to express said decisions and thoughts without back-peddling and floundering. There is nothing more unattractive than a person who does that shit.
So, STOP, or fuck off.
Dear Motivation,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you.  You see, although you didn’t know it, the mere thought of you has changed my life.  In a way, you have saved me from a deep abyss, where I had been drowning in my own sorrows for many years.  It was almost as if I had been tossed down a well and left for dead.  I clawed and scratched at the walls, but all it did was take part of me away – one fingernail at a time – and left me bleeding, angry and alone. Â
When I first found you, it was a small shining sliver of light escaping through the boards above me, reaching far down into my self-inflicted cave and giving me just a little bit of hope. Â
I abused myself down there.  I beat myself down.  I beat I my body down.  I let myself go.  I drowned myself in alcohol.  I swam in a freezing pool of my own excrement, and the worst part of it was that I never saw anything wrong with it.  I justified my actions, felt sorry for myself, chalked it up to “normal” and soothed myself with the fact that everyone around me was doing the same, therefore, it MUST be OK.
When I found you, I found something to look forward to.  That sliver of light became thicker everyday, until it finally bathed me in it’s warmth and forced me to face myself and what I had been doing.
Cancer scares, breathing problems, severe allergies, depression, mood swings, uncontrollable anger, misery… how did I manage to survive like that for 4 years?  How did I keep my friends?  How did I pretend like everything was fine, when it sure as hell wasn’t?  How did I hide this from my family?
When I found you, I found me.  You gave me a reason to change.  You gave me hope.  You forced me out of that hole, I called an existence, and into the light again.  You made me realize that not only am I am strong person, but that I was worth saving.  You taught me that drowning out the pain is that old familiar “friend” that I always turn to because it’s easy.  It’s an old groove in the record that is my life, and it takes a lot of you and a lot of strength to force that needle out of it and on to the next.
Since you slapped me with that icy hand of reality, I have slowly been feeling better and better. Â While every day brings with it some kind of hurdle, or pain, I can now deal with it in a healthier way. Â You have given me so much over the last 35 years, but in the last 5 months you have really pushed through and given me a new lease, and for that – I can never thank you enough.
Running has become my release.  Skating has given me strength.  With every weight lifted, another mental demon extinguished.  I’m addicted to you, and how you make me feel.  You’re like a drug, the perfect drug, and I cannot get enough of you…
Thank you for taking the time to save my life, over and over. Â Thank you for standing up to me and forcing me into the light. Â Thank you for giving me a reason to breathe again.
Don’t ever leave me…
Love always,
Glory
Once again, I find myself fortunate enough to have survived another fun-filled and action-packed year on this lovely planet. Sticking to my yearly tradition of posting all of my accomplishments and disappointments for the world to see, here is my list for 2007. . .
Things I have done
1. I took a very brave step forward and made a serious decision to become some kind of Doctor. This decision has changed my life in SO many ways. I have seriously mellowed out (party wise) and buckled down on my studies. I have managed to work 1 full time job, go to school both online and in an actual college here in NYC and volunteer with some local hospitals. I am happy to report that I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA and happier than I have ever been. Yay!
2. I decided that being 20 lbs overweight was so detrimental to my health and personality, that I finally got off of my depressed ass (after 5 years) and started to do something about it! I joined Weight Watchers and have learned all about eating right. My new motto is “Eat to LIVE, not LIVE to eat.” To date, I have dropped a whopping 13 lbs on this diet and I have 7-10 more to go! I am happier, more energetic, my personality is back (meaning I am no longer the raging, depressed, overly critical BITCH I once was.
3. I have become obsessive-compulsively neat. This is very new for me, as I have always been a total slob. I realized that an organized, clean environment not only does wonders for my allergies, but really aids in time management and life organization, in general. Now, the trick will be to clue Craig in on this, without screaming at him.
4. Craig & I had a fantastic wedding and took an equally fantastic honeymoon for 15 days! We also got to vacation in Ft lauderdale last month which afforded us the opportunity to see my wonderful grandparents for Thanksgiving.
5. I reunited with the “Delgado” clan and realized that there are a lot of amazing people running around with the same last name as me.
6. I patched things up with a few old friends, namely Amanda (well that was not really a “patch up,” just more of a reunite), Begum and Honey. I have realized that with age, people change, myself included. Good friends, with big hearts mean a lot to me.
7. Mine & Craig’s relationship has certainly grown stronger this past year. While we differ on a lot of things (who doesn’t), at the end of the day I could not think of a better person to fall asleep with at night.
8. I’ve had many moments at work, both good and bad, but overall I had a kickass year, and have been a big part in improving my departments reputation around the firm. That makes me proud.
9. My gorgeous, sweet and awesome nephew, Aiden Chase, entered the world and I was there to witness the birth. That experience changed me in such a HUGE way, that I could never do it justice with words – so I will not even try. My goal for next year? Spend some more time with him and Gina.
10. I survived a serious cancer scare. It shocked the shit out of me and clued me in on how horribly I was treating myself.
Disappointments
1. My father. He fell into an abyss and pretty much ruined his life this year. It sucked. I stopped speaking to him because the stress of it was just too much for me. It may seem a bit selfish to those of you who do not know the whole story, but it was something I needed to do. I love him, if I didnt, this would not be under “disappointments,” but I need to set boundries in my life. This is VERY important to survival and leading a healthy life.
2. My friends. I lost a few friends this year. While I am not disappointed at losing them, per say, I am disappointed about the situation. I did learn something from each break, which is certainly a positive thing, but it still hurt.
3. Fil. A friend of mine, who I really loved, died this year. He was way too young and way too full of life. I miss him.
4. Derby. I did not give this the honest shot I had wanted to. My schedule just would not allow it this year, although my depression and weight played a large part. I do plan on revisiting this next year, with my new found faith and confidence in myself.
5. I did not stick to my promise of staying in touch with the people I love. It is just so hard. I have been getting a bit better, but I should have started sooner. Life is too short and I should have learned this lesson in December of 2000 when one of my childhood best-friends, Veronica Diaz, passed away from cervical cancer. I live with the guilt of cutting her out of my life and having no clue that she passed away until I called her Mother’s house 6 months later and received the news. She did nothing wrong to me, I was just being selfish and stupid and recovering from drug addiction. She reached out to me and I just pushed her away.
6. Money. I did not get any better at managing it. I had planned to budget myself this year, pay off some bills and make the RIGHT choices for myself – just to prove that I could do it. Nope. I just over-spent and screwed things up even worse for myself. This is why I am afraid of money. As soon as its in my hands, it goes right back out.
7. My cousin. We had a falling out. I am a really blunt person and sometimes I say things that are considered mean. I know this and I feel bad about it, but that does not change the fact that I said it. I would say it again, if asked, because I believe in honesty. While I do love her (she was like a sister to me) I just can’t sacrifice my beliefs to make her happy. I can not sit there and lie to her to make her feel better. What kind of “sister” would I be? Que Sara-Sara… Sometimes the best route in life to take is what feels right, no matter the consequence.
8. The relationship between Craig’s band-mates and I. This suffered greatly this past year. It’s a struggle and here is where I should take the high-road and lay the blame where the blame is due – and that is with Craig and NOT with his band. His lead singer is so much like me, it’s insane. Because of this I blame him more than I should. He is actually a great person, with a big heart and I do love him, but I do not treat with respect. I am 100% wrong for that and I know it. However, it is not all my fault, due to details that I will not delve into at the moment. Being that he is just like me, he is just as pig-headed as I am, and 2 pig-headed, blunt, driven, motivated people do not make for a good relationship. It sucks, because his band is such a HUGE part of his life. He is so happy following his dreams and I admire him, all of them, for that. I just wish we could sit down for coffee and talk it out, but it will probably never happen. I just gotta deal and try to keep Craig smiling and out of conflict. That’s my job, and I don’t mind it.
So, in conclusion, I have had an amazing, life-enriching year. I have grown, changed, loved, laughed, cried, fought, danced, made new friends, skated, swam and ran the tires low. You can be nothing but grateful to be blessed like that.
Happy New Year, everyone! Much love to you all! 🙂
dimentra dot com 