No matter how large NYC is, if you take the same train, at the same time and go into the same car every morning you get to know your fellow commuters whether you want to or not. Some would say I have grown fond of the 400 lb., bleached blonde, too much makeup wearing chick who just LOVES neon colors. She is actually a very nice woman. I have also grown to love the girl who seems to change everyday because she has a plastic surgery addiction. I go weeks without seeing her and when I do she is either thinner, bigger breasted, nose is different, cheeks sucked in, etc. I sometimes question whether or not it is the same girl; it is so drastic.
This morning my usual train route was screwed up. The V train was not running, so I had to take an alternate route to my destination. I hopped on the F train, transferred at 34th Street for the B train and then transferred again for the E train at 7th Ave. This presented a whole new world of faces I have never seen, personalities I have yet to understand and quirks that just make you laugh out loud! I should do this more often, it’s certainly an entertaining way to begin my day.
I am on the E train. For those of you who are not from NYC I will explain. The E train is much like the fiery pits of hell during rush hour. There are people of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds, with different fashion sense, hairstyles, smells, habits, etc. The train was so CROWDED that I contemplated whether or not I could actually become pregnant while riding. I am not a fan of crowded trains and I will usually wait for the next one, but this morning I was running late, so I had no choice.
As I was pushed into the open train door by the hoards of people behind me, I happen to notice that the back portion of the train was somewhat empty except for this one seemingly normal looking girl. I made my way back there, thinking I had found my sweet salvation.I get about 5 feet from this girl and she holds up her tiny hand in the stop sign signal and actually yells at me: “Back away! I have CLOU-STRO-PHOBIC-A”
Everyone around me laughs. I then realize that she has done this to everyone and the joke was on me. Here I was thinking that everyone was just staring at me because I am so damn gorgeous and cool. In reality, they were just waiting to see my reaction to the “crazy girl”. Talk about an ego-crush.
I digress.
She screams at me and caught me at just the right time, or wrong time depending on how you look at it. My current situation: I have not eaten solid food for 3 full days, I just got my period this morning and I have massive cramps, I am depressed because I just came back from California and I hate leaving the West Coast, I am late for work at a time when I am NOT supposed to be because I had a meeting, I did my sea salt water flush last night and I did not shit any of it out. So needless to say, I was backed up and I was in NO MOOD for crazy.
I say, “Lady, do you know where you ARE?! Yes, that’s right. You are in NEW YORK CITY. You are on the E TRAIN during PEAK RUSH HOUR. If you can’t handle yourself accordingly get off the train and take a DAMNED TAXI!”
I take a short pause. I think to myself, ‘do I feel bad for yelling at her?’ and then quickly answer myself ‘NO F**KING WAY’! I continue, “Also, if you have the condition, learn how to say the condition. Say it with me, CLAUS-TRO-PHOBIA and I am pretty sure there is a medication for that.”
Everyone on the train laughs, some actually clap. She gets off the train at the next stop and my fellow commuters begin to discuss her.
Here are some off comments I caught:
“How can anyone live with that girl?”
“That bitch be CRAZY”
“Why get on the subway?”
“WOW”
Goes to show, a New Yorker will not offer up a warning, but will certainly enjoy the confrontation and then have no problems discussing it with each other when it is over.
You gotta love this town!
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