It’s official, I’ve had 2 panic attacks in the span of 10 days. I am now panicking over my sudden onset of panic. Awesome.
I’ve been experiencing some chest pain on the left side for a few weeks. During the last two days, I’ve been noticing a fluttering in my left groin area near my femoral artery. I had chalked it up to muscle spams and just kind of ignored it, but this morning while on the train going to work, I decided to google it and see what it could be. Big mistake.
I see nothing but hits stating that this could be a warning sign of an impending aneurysm. That’s all I needed to read for full on hypochondria to kick in causing me to have an epic meltdown in the middle of rush hour. I got dizzy, my vision went black, my heart started to race, I broke out into a cold sweat, and my chest hurt. It took me over an hour to calm myself down, and was only able to do that by forcing myself to think about “happy thoughts” of moments I shared recently with someone very important to me.
I’m sure my epic paranoia and hypochondria combined with the fact that I’ve been under an extreme amount of emotional stress as of late, are aiding to my sudden onset of panic attacks.
I need to chill out and remain calm and stay off of Google!
Just coming off of a high from my trip last week, and spent my entire day yesterday unpacking, cleaning and pulling a million pieces of a disintegrated contact lens out of my eye (ouch!) While I was staring in the mirror trying not to lose my shit because my eyeball was on fire, I realized something…
I’M NOT LIVING MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO!
WTF am I doing? Life is too short to live unhappily, and to live somewhere you hate, and to not be around the people you love, adore and make you so fucking happy that it should be illegal! Yes, I am making moves to get the fuck out of this hellhole I call a hometown, but I’m not doing it fast enough. I look around my apartment and all I see is shit I do not need. I have a walk-in closet so filled with clothes and shoes that it is literally overflowing and spilling out onto the floor in my bedroom. My dresser is so packed with shit, that the drawers don’t even close any more, I have bookshelves filled with books I’ve already read and have no use for, I have a bathroom filled with make-up, hair products, skin products, curling irons, hair dryers, hair coloring tools, brushes, nail polish, soaps, etc, etc. A garage filled with more clothes and shoes and furniture and work out equipment I do not use because I belong to a gym that I pay an ungodly amount of money for every month! GAH!
All of this shit is weighing me down, man. I need to TRASH IT ALL, pack a suitcase or two, get in my fucking car and just GO. We work to pay bills, and buy ourselves a bunch of meaningless shit, and spend most of our days not smiling due to stress from work, life, bills, debt, bullshit. What is the point? I think I am having an existential crisis.
True happiness is so fucking fleeting, and when you find it, in any form you need to hang onto it, fight for it, chase it and do everything you can to just be happy! Life is short. Before I know it, I will be too old, or dead, or sick, or whatever. It’s like skating. I strap on skates and I am the happiest person in the world. I’m burning massive amounts of calories, making my legs and muscles stronger, which releases endorphins, which makes us happy, which makes us healthy. Yet, I injure myself and I can’t skate so I just don’t. Really? I’m not a quitter, so again WTF am I doing? I decided this weekend that I need to find something new to occupy my time, a few new things, actually.
Rather than skating, I will run. A lot.
I am going to take up boxing. Yes, boxing. A great way to release my anger, frustration and stress. What is better than punching someone in the face? C’mon!
I’m starting burlesque and fire-eating training in June. Fuck it.
I’m taking a stand up comedy class, because I know I can rock that shit.
I am getting rid of all of this material bullshit, and donating it to charity. Let someone else enjoy my 700 pairs of heels. I don’t need so fucking MANY, although they are quite gorgeous.
I am going to workout until my body collapses from sheer exhaustion, and make this little body of mine so tight, and so muscular that you couldn’t knock me down if you tried.
In short, I do not have time for wallowing, depression, playing woe is me because I’m not currently in an ideal situation. I will get what I want, I will be happier, I will live where I want to be… you know why?
I start eating full time again today. This go round was not as successful as my last in terms of cleansing and weight loss. I still have 7-10 to shed to hit my goal. It did, however, shrink my stomach and get me off of wine, which is always a plus. 🙂
I ate a small piece of grilled chicken last night. I was so full. It’s weird because this cleanse usually turns me into a vegetarian for a least a few weeks. There’s something about animal products that turns your stomach when you deprive yourself of food for so long.
I will say it was delicious. Nothing nauseating about it. 🙂 I’m breaking the fast completely on Friday. So, just about 11 days. I’m feeling pretty awesome, looking pretty awesome and accomplished for pulling off yet another MC!
Day 8! I’ve started to introduce a small amount of food. I have my bro in laws wedding on Saturday, don’t want to be sick. So, last night I ate 3 bites of salad, no dressing. It was delish!
In other news, I’m down 14 lbs, feeling great, pink tongue, fitting into clothes I haven’t worn in ages (size 4!)
I’m staying on until Thursday, but will slowly taper off.
Day 6! I ate a few small pieces of cheese yesterday, and it made me sicker than a dog! You can’t go from no food for 5 days, to cheese. I learned that lesson the hard way. 🙂
Other than that, I’m back on track and feeling great. 6 more days. Down 12 lbs, looking great, got myself a nice tan/glow, went blonder, feeling happy, healthy and hot.
Down 10 lbs in total. Feeling pretty good, for the most part. I notice that I have NO desire to drink alcohol, which is great. I am chock full of crackhead energy, and can literally run a marathon right now.
I have an action packed weekend ahead of me, and 2 parties to attend. This will be interesting. Delicious home cooked Italian food (my fave, of course), vino, sweets, etc. I plan on staying strong, I am sure I will be fine.
It’s Day 4, and I’m down a total of 8 lbs. I’m feeling better every day. I do find, however, that my hunger and food cravings are hitting me at night. This is a first. I’ve been dealing with it by drinking hot herbal laxative tea, which basically tricks your stomach into thinking its soup. Ha!
I’m still going strong, though. 8 more days to go. I think I’ll end up dropping closer to 20 this time around. That will be too much. I don’t need to drop that much, I’ll look like a little boy! If i find myself dropping too much, i’ll stop. We’ll see.
Day 3, and I’m down 6.5 lbs! My body and metabolism is amazing, and I’m grateful and lucky that it still kicks this much ass at 36 years old.
I haven’t been doing the SWF, no time in the morning, as I get up at 4 am for work. In lieu of the SWF, I’ve been drinking an herbal laxative tea in the morning, and at night. It is very important that you do something to flush the toxins out, otherwise fasting like this is pointless.
Last night was difficult. I was going through cravings for all kinds of crap. I was standing outside of the Stillwell train station in Coney Island and smelling McD’s, Nathan’s, corn dogs, pizza. I almost never eat any of that shit, in fact, can’t remember the last time I sunk my teeth into a Big Mac. On days 1-4 of the MC, you will crave the most disgusting food! That’s your body going through the detoxification process, and while it sucks, if your willpower is strong enough, you’ll power through and by day 5, you’ll be happy you did.
I know a lot of people who have tried this. Some have failed after the first, or second day because they convince themselves that “it’s not healthy,” or, “it’s too extreme.” It’s neither, that is just your addiction to eating talking. Chances are, if you’re overweight, you emotionally eat. When you remove food from your life, even for 10-17 days, you have an emotional hole that needs to be filled. For me, the MC is almost a spiritual experience. Depriving myself of food, and alcohol shows me that I am strong, but it also makes me more self-aware than I am.
The fact is, I’ve been miserable for a long time. Food, alcohol, social life, work… Anything to distract me from myself. I do this fast often, and it’s to keep me emotionally grounded, and keep myself in check before I sink into a depression that makes me fat, and completely unaware of what I’m doing to those around me.
I digress…
On day 3, your tongue starts to turn colors. It’s nothing short of terrifying. Right now? It’s a yellow purplish color. Gross. You can spend 45 minutes brushing the shit out if it, and it does nothing! When your tongue turns back to pink, that is how you know you should stop the fast. The longest I’ve gone was 17 days, but after day 4? Not eating is cake! After a while you don’t even want food because you feel so amazing.
Anyway, day 3, 6.5 lbs down, cravings subsiding a bit, tongue yellow/purple, and the insane motivation to keep going!
I’m on day 2 of my 4th Master Cleanse, and feeling like a million bucks. I started with a co-worker and I think she’s quitting already. I hope she doesn’t, though.
This fast takes a lot of willpower and self-discipline. It’s really tough, but once you get over the hump, it’s worth it. If you try it, don’t quit! The first 4 days are the hardest because your body is shedding all of its toxins! It’s supposed to be difficult. Anything worth something in life is difficult. If you can’t make it through a fast, what can you make it through?
Push yourself! It’s rewarding.
I started yesterday at 126. This morning I am already 122. Most of that is water weight, but I’m feeling good. I’m focused, my eyes and skin are clear and glowing, and I have a lot of energy. After work tonight I plan on running!
I have 11 days until I leave for Austin, gotta build up those leg muscles and work on this knee. Strong legs and knees are very important for skate control! Austin was the first league of the derby revival, so I’m pretty amped!
So, here’s to Day 2! Only 10 more to go! Easy, peasy.
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