I have been having an unusual amount of trouble focusing as of late. This has been a growing phenomenon with me over the last 8 months or so. Focus was always my strong suit, especially when it came to work. My strong work ethic, combined with my need to succeed, often propelled me to great heights in my 20 year career. I feel like I still have a large amount of interest in what I do, as well as a need for success, but I just can’t seem to lock myself down and concentrate. My mind is all over the place, and I don’t know if that stems from unhappiness, or just masked disinterest. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but try as I might, I see no answers.
I rarely allow myself to get lost in daydreams, or become so unfocused on myself that I begin to let everything in my life start to fade. I find myself in this strange stage of my life, and everything about me is changing. I’m not sure if it’s for the best, or the opposite, to be honest.
For example, when I’m sitting in a meeting, that is very important and involves potential clients, I find myself drifting. I have to consciously force myself to sit up straight, listen to what people are saying and contribute with useful information. I almost feel like I have A.D.D. I have endured my share of ups and downs, whirlwind romances, breakups, career highs and lows, but this is simply mind boggling. In fact, I cannot remember a time in my life that I was this distracted! It’s scary!
Could it be a medical problem? Am I simply so I dissatisfied with my life that I am losing interest in everything around me? Have I reached a breaking point? Is it the fact that I am turning 37 in July? I wish I knew this answer because this is frustrating. While there are outside factors that have notably contributed to my lack of concentration, I cannot blame it all on those. I’ve been down this road and never lost myself in the process. I always worried about me, my life, my interests, my health. Well, besides my stint with heroin in my 20’s, but even that didn’t last more than a year, and I was able to pull myself out of the deepest abyss I’ve ever seen!
On top of that, I constantly feel like I’m being monitored and need to watch everything I say and do because of it. It’s frustrating for a person like me, because I am so forthcoming, honest and open. I have had to “put a lid on it” for almost 6 months now, in fears that anything I say can be misconstrued. Gah! There are some days that I get so angry about it that I literally want to choke someone. Do you know what it’s like to be a blog writer, who has been writing online for years, writes columns based on her life, blogs that have hundreds of thousands of followers and fans, yet have to censor yourself because 1 person is mentally off? It’s ridiculous. I know I shouldn’t care, and just live my life, but how do you do that? It’s almost selfish behavior, and I don’t want to cause any more waves then I have to, although I’m currently not doing ANYTHING WRONG!
In life there are positives and negatives, good and bad. In my life right now, I am dealing with lack of focus and motivation, and the one thing that always helps me sort out my feelings, I cannot do. That has me feeling angry, resentful, etc. I’ve learned to push it to the back burner as best as I can, and realize that some people just are who they are. I can only take solace in the fact that I have managed to surround myself with amazing, artistic, confident, and reasonable people. I guess that’s all that matters in the big picture. Right?
Anyway, I’m trying my absolute best to take the high road, center myself, focus on ME and what’s best for me and not worry about all of these outside bullshit factors that stress me out. It’s just not worth it. I’m forcing myself to do what I do best, and that’s make myself whole and happy. My home life is not in the best state it could be in, rightfully so. My work life is stressful, but I manage to separate that from my personal life, for the most part. My finances are not where they should be because I feel like I am financially supporting everyone, which is somewhat true, although my own fault. While I’ve lost a good amount of weight, and I am looking great, I am not feeling great. I am always tired, cranky, my weight fluctuates up and down like 15 lbs, which is not healthy. My diet changes often due to my stress factors on any given week. I need to have some consistency in my life. I need to create a workout schedule and stick to it, no matter how difficult. I need to set some financial boundaries with people, just because I have money it does not mean I should support everyone around me. I need set some social boundaries and let my friends know that I too have a life, and my life does not revolve around them and that fact that they all decided to have multiple children. I did not choose that life for a reason.
Ah, I don’t know. Things always manage to work themselves out in my life, but I feel like I’m getting to the point where I need to take more of a stand, and I will, it just takes time.
So, gone are the days where I waste my time worrying about everyone else. I need to focus on me and what’s best for my life. For real. Fuck everyone else for once.
Now if only I could stick to that, I’d be golden! 🙂
Happy Memorial Day weekend, all! Enjoy your BBQ’s, beach time and fun.
XO
dimentra dot com 