It’s 5:45PM, Sunday… I’m forcing myself into the gym. FORCING.
PS – changed the hair today, am no longer a goth chick with black hair! Go me.
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A perfectly planned life, will imperfectly unfold
Monthly Archives: March 2012
With an Aching in my Heart…
I’ve been isolating myself again, which happens to me every now and again. I find myself going through these phases more often than I used to, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to pull myself out of the abyss. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, nervous, afraid (which is odd for me), and on the physical side – tired. CONSTANTLY tired.
I know why, I just have to be strong enough to pull myself from this before it gets out of hand again. April is a big month for me, as it is my 13 year “no heroin” anniversary, and my 6th wedding anniversary. In July, I will be 37, and birthdays are never easy for me either. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed, and be the things I always wanted to be. When I was a kid, I wrote out a list of ages, and set a goal for each year. I wrote this when I was 12 years old, and I still have it. At 37, I was supposed to be living in Southern California, writing novels, with more money than Satan, and an MD degree from UCSD. Here I am, 5 months away from that age, and I have accomplished none of those goals. I am not one to dwell on things I have not accomplished, but I do put myself through moments of depression because my “Life’s Plan” did not go as well as anticipated. On the other side, I have managed to become pretty successful despite all of the odds stacked against me from my childhood, and self-inflicted destruction.
So, every year beginning in mid-March, I start to take stock in what I have accomplished and how far I have come in my life. This usually works to make me feel a bit better about not accomplishing the goals I set for myself as a kid, but I still find myself longing for more. With every passing year, my dream of becoming a Doctor just becomes more and more of a fantasy. This is completely my fault, and I know this. Had I gone to UCSD in 2007, like I had planned, I’d be a Doctor by now. No one to blame but me, my own fears, etc. I can’t really dwell on that stuff, life is too short to think about the “what if’s” and I have never been a fan of that.
Coming up on my 13-year heroin anniversary, I need to look at the positive changes I have made. 13 years ago at this time, I was 80 lbs, dying, horribly addicted to mainlining heroin, with a guy who treated me like dog shit, a circle of friends completely dependent upon me to support their habits, I had a great job, but was just going through the motions and not really loving it like I should have. Towards the end, when I lost my job, and almost lost my life, I was practically homeless, my family and friends cut me off, and all I cared about was that needle. I’d do ANYTHING to get my fix, and I did things I am not proud of. The morning I decided it was time to quit, I chose ME, and I have not looked back since. Right before I started down that slippery slope of heavy drug use, I was at an all-time high in my career. I was one of the youngest VP’s in IT in NYC. I had a sick salary, a corner office, and a bright future in the industry. Against all of the odds, I had made it. Shit, I even dropped out of High School when I was 15 years old and managed to climb the ranks without a college degree, or even a HS diploma. Pretty impressive. Somehow, I got lost along the way, and it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that I beat my demons, and came out of that alive. At 37, I am finally where I would have been (salary-wise) right before I flushed my life away. I am happy with my job, happy with my life (for the most part), and trying to do the “next right thing.”
There are more changes on the horizon for me, and they will not be easy, but they’re necassary and an integral part of my long-term happiness. I will get there, it is just going to take a lot of courage, time and patience. The latter being something I have always struggled with.
I have a amazing people in my life, this is undeniable. My best friends rule, I recently connected with a new friend in my life on a level that is practically unexplainable, and I am beyond grateful for that. I’ve been trying to take better care of myself, and have been succeeding – losing almost 25 lbs in 2 months and getting back into shape. I’m not drinking and partying as much as I used to, which is a good thing. All in all, I’ve come a long way.
The following is a part of my drug diary, I wrote this a long, long time ago. It is about the morning I quit. I repost it every year, to remind myself of how far I have come. Believe it or not, I actually do need reminding.
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4/20/1999
I lie awake, curled into a fetal position. Sweat dripping from my face onto my stained pillow. It’s cold in here and my body shivers as if submerged in a pool of ice water. Layers of blankets cover my frail, lifeless body. The sour smell of body odor fills the room. The windows are closed and have been for months. The mere thought of fresh air makes me cringe, chills me to the bone.
I am shaking. I can’t get comfortable. My spine feels as if its been replaced by a cold metal object. My head is pounding like an African drum. I have to pee, but cannot bring myself to walk 10 feet to the bathroom. I feel dizzy and the room is spinning. I don’t know how long I have been lying here like this. The days have turned to nights and the nights to days. I haven’t showered in awhile, haven’t brushed my teeth.
The urgency to pee has finally taken over as I force myself to push the blankets back and pull myself out of the bed. Everything aches as I walk slowly towards the door and into the cold hallway with its bare wood floor. I reach my hand out to grab the doorknob and as I touch the metal a shock goes through my entire body. I am freezing.
I make it into the bathroom, which hasn’t been cleaned for weeks. The cat’s litter pan is overflowing with feces and urine, making the entire house smell of ammonia. I didn’t think that the cat was still alive considering that I haven’t fed it in more than 5 days. The stench in the bathroom brings on a wave of nausea so bad that I almost faint. I lean over the rotten toilet and open my mouth to release the yellow-green fluid, which escapes from my stomach. There isn’t much more to vomit because I haven’t eaten in more than 8 days.
I rest my head on my right arm. Now that I am in the light of the bathroom I can see where the surging pain through my right arm has been coming from. There is a lump the size of a golf ball and my entire lower arm is black and blue. It is leaking puss and bleeding from being stabbed repeatedly with a dull needle.
I stand up to wash my face and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. What I see staring back at me is not me at all, but some grotesque version of me that I do not recognize. My long blonde hair hangs in knots around my pale white face. I have deep black circles under my eyes. I am 80lbs, dirty and I smell horrible. The veins on my neck are distended and blue. I am staring at myself and all I can do is scream. I am 23 years old and I am a junky…
Me, the day I arrived in Florida. 80 lbs! Ewwww!
The Tragedy of Cancer
I’ve mentioned my tight-knit circle of friends more than a few times. I am very lucky for more than a handful of reasons, but my friends are my biggest blessing. Being that I had such a rough childhood, my friends saved me more often than I remember. In fact, I don’t know what I would do without them. Sometimes life gets in the way, we get busy and time gets by us, but I know that if I needed any one of them, at any moment, they’d be there. This goes both ways.
One of my closest friends, Veronica Diaz, passed away from Cancer in December 2000. It was a terrible tragedy, which I had no part of because I was too busy flushing my life up my arm in the form of a dull needle filled with heroin. Veronica tried to talk to me about what had happened to my life many times, but like any other junkie, I just pushed her away. When she first got sick, I was aware of it. Soon after, she went into remission, and I moved on to South Florida to clean up my life. While I was away, the Cancer came back with a vengeance and stole her life. She was a mere 24 years old, with so much ahead of her. I did not even find out she passed until 6 months after it happened, when I called her house and her older sister answered the phone and told me what happened. I was devastated, but not nearly as devastated as her older sister, and one of my all-time best friends, Virginia. The truth is, I was so wrapped up in myself for so long, that I did not even think about Veronica, or Virginia for quite some time.
After I heard about her passing, my guilt and sorrow were so heavy. Not only was I going through the insurmountable depression that comes along with quitting a drug like heroin, I hated myself for what I had done to them. Just being there would have made such a difference to Virginia, just a simple phone call, anything… I missed her wedding, I wasn’t there at the end. Sigh. Alas, her death was not about me and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Her death affected so many people in such a profound way, I was only a small part of that.
It has been almost 12 years, and not a day that goes by that I do not think about her, or dream about her. It is a constant reminder to put myself in check and to stop being so self-absorbed and letting time slip away from me and what can be precious moments with the people I love. My friends ARE my family, and I will never allow myself to forget that again.
Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 36 years old. She was so vibrant, fun, beautiful and sweet. She also had such a fiery side to her. I remember one time in Junior High School, we got into a fight that lasted an entire month and ended in a hand-to-hand combat in the hallway. At the end of the fight we were crying and hugging each other with handfuls of each others hair stuck to us, and blood dripping down our faces from beating the crap out of each other. At the end of the day, we loved each other very much, and we both knew it.
I had a boyfriend in High School who was a nightmare. He hit me a few times, and one time in particular he slammed my head up against a concrete wall in the hallway and gave me a concussion. I left school early and went home, not knowing that I had a concussion at the time. Veronica happened to call me from the payphone and when I answered the phone, I was very foggy. She kept asking me what happened, and when I told her she slammed the phone down and ran 1.5 miles with Virginia in tow, to kick down my door and wake me up. She was worried that I’d fall asleep and never wake up. She was that kind of friend, and more.
I missed out on a lot of time with her due to my selfish, destructive behavior. While I try to live my life without regret, Veronica Diaz is the one thing that I regret more than anything. I would give anything to have her back, so I could apologize for being such a shitty friend to her. The fact is, I cannot have that and I have to live with that guilt.
In short, cherish the people you love every single day because you never, EVER know when it will be their last moment on earth. Happiest of Birthdays, my beautiful friend. I love and miss you more than you can ever imagine.
My Adventures With The Master Cleanse
I am in the midst of my 3rd MC fast, and I am a big believer in fasting for numerous reasons…
#1 – It is good to push yourself to insane limits. Just when you think you can’t go anymore, something drives you to push through. There is nothing more humbling then depriving yourself of a basic need. It teaches you a whole new level of discipline and perseverance. It makes you tougher. It’s a lot like running or skating (both of which I do a lot of), just when you feel like you’ll collapse from exhaustion, you reach deep down and pull motivation out of nowhere, and when you’re finished, it is the greatest feeling EVER.
#2 – It’s healthy to give your digestive system a rest from solids every now and then. Your body works very hard every day to rid itself of toxins you breathe, eat, and drink. Your organs literally go on overtime to process all of that shit, then you pile a bunch of shitty food on top of it and wahlah! Here comes the lack of energy, lack of focus, and plain old depression. At least for me. When I fast, after day 4, I feel like a whole new person! Not only do I lose extreme amounts of weight rather quickly (I can lose up to 15 lbs in 7 days!), my skin glows, my hair shines, my body gets tighter, my eyes clearer, I focus better and I have all kinds of energy.
#3 – It’s like a “do-over” for your body. If you are currently addicted to anything, i.e., cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, carbs, or anything not great for you, a fast will quickly rid you of that and allow you start over – fresh!
So, today is Day 5 of my 3rd MC and I feel GREAT. I am handling this go-around way better then I handled the last one, which was the beginning of January. So far, in this round, I have dropped 7 lbs. and I am not even hungry! The January fast yielded a total of 22 lbs dropped, and a renewed sense of motivation! I wound up gaining back only 4-5 lbs when I went back to food.
While I have never been “fat,” I did gain a bit more weight than I should have after some medical complications back in September of 2011, when I put on 35 lbs in a very short period due to a couple of rounds of chemotherapy injections that made me retain water and literally swell! Of course, me being the “Polish Princess of Darkness” I could not get the weight loss side-effect. lol. At a mere 5’4” tall and a very petite, small frame – I should never weigh more than 120 (tops!) and I was pushing 150 for a minute there. #nothot
Anyways, the MC is basically a fast where you drink the following recipe:
Per 8 oz of water –
2 Tbsp GRADE B ORGANIC Maple Syrup
2 Tbsp ORGANIC fresh squeezed lemon juice
1/10 tsp of Cayenne pepper
How much are you supposed to drink? Divide your body weight by 2, and that’s how many oz you should consume at a minimum on a daily basis.
On top of that, you should either drink a laxative tea every night before bed, or upon waking in the am mix 1 pint of lukewarm spring water with 2 tbsp of NATURAL SEA SALT (no other kind of salt!) and drink that down quickly. Yes, it’s horrible and I opt for the tea and only do the Salt Water Flush on the weekends. Stay close to a bathroom, kids because 20 minutes after you finish that you literally piss out of your ass for 2 straight hours. Gross? Maybe… but you feel amazing when it’s all over (besides a burning asshole – buy baby wipes!) and it really speeds up the detoxification and weight loss process.
Some side-effects that I have noticed:
- Raging headaches for the first 4 days
- Your bum burns from the cayenne pepper your ingesting (yes, I am serious)
- Fatigue for the first 3 days
- Pale for the first 3 days (And I am almost alabaster as it is)
- I get chest pains on the right side. I saw a doc about it, it’s nothing. Just stress in my case.
- My TMJ is terrible for the first 3 days. I walk around with my jaw locked. After day 4? Relaxation city!
- You piss like a racehorse every 20 minutes.
That’s about it. In short, I love it and how it makes me feel. Who needs food?
OK, well I do. I love to cook it, eat it and enjoy it. I do this once per quarter, though, for about 10-15 days each time. Y’all should try it! If you have the willpower to do it, it’s worth it! You feel accomplished, healthy, look amazing, etc.
Now I leave you with my favorite training montage! Rocky motivates me to get ripped, man. I am back in the gym – HARDCORE – tomorrow. Gotta get in sick shape, fix this damaged knee, and get my ass on skates again. I have speed records to SHATTER.
As Quickly as it Comes, it Goes…
There are a couple of things in this world that quickly turn me off…
- Liars – the occasional white lie is one thing, but when most of life is based on an alternate reality you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night? I have no time for that.
- Inconsistency – if you feel a certain way, stick to it. Deal with it. Don’t flip-flop.
- Self-Centeredness – it’s not all about you. Hang up the enormous ego and look around. Sometimes other people exist.
It usually takes a lot of the above to piss me off enough to cut someone out of my life, but I notice that as I get older, I lose my patience. I simply do not have the time, nor energy it requires to placate you, and deal with your drama. YOU deal with your own drama, make your own decisions and be strong enough to express said decisions and thoughts without back-peddling and floundering. There is nothing more unattractive than a person who does that shit.
So, STOP, or fuck off.
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