I’ve mentioned my tight-knit circle of friends more than a few times. I am very lucky for more than a handful of reasons, but my friends are my biggest blessing. Being that I had such a rough childhood, my friends saved me more often than I remember. In fact, I don’t know what I would do without them. Sometimes life gets in the way, we get busy and time gets by us, but I know that if I needed any one of them, at any moment, they’d be there. This goes both ways.
One of my closest friends, Veronica Diaz, passed away from Cancer in December 2000. It was a terrible tragedy, which I had no part of because I was too busy flushing my life up my arm in the form of a dull needle filled with heroin. Veronica tried to talk to me about what had happened to my life many times, but like any other junkie, I just pushed her away. When she first got sick, I was aware of it. Soon after, she went into remission, and I moved on to South Florida to clean up my life. While I was away, the Cancer came back with a vengeance and stole her life. She was a mere 24 years old, with so much ahead of her. I did not even find out she passed until 6 months after it happened, when I called her house and her older sister answered the phone and told me what happened. I was devastated, but not nearly as devastated as her older sister, and one of my all-time best friends, Virginia. The truth is, I was so wrapped up in myself for so long, that I did not even think about Veronica, or Virginia for quite some time.
After I heard about her passing, my guilt and sorrow were so heavy. Not only was I going through the insurmountable depression that comes along with quitting a drug like heroin, I hated myself for what I had done to them. Just being there would have made such a difference to Virginia, just a simple phone call, anything… I missed her wedding, I wasn’t there at the end. Sigh. Alas, her death was not about me and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. Her death affected so many people in such a profound way, I was only a small part of that.
It has been almost 12 years, and not a day that goes by that I do not think about her, or dream about her. It is a constant reminder to put myself in check and to stop being so self-absorbed and letting time slip away from me and what can be precious moments with the people I love. My friends ARE my family, and I will never allow myself to forget that again.
Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 36 years old. She was so vibrant, fun, beautiful and sweet. She also had such a fiery side to her. I remember one time in Junior High School, we got into a fight that lasted an entire month and ended in a hand-to-hand combat in the hallway. At the end of the fight we were crying and hugging each other with handfuls of each others hair stuck to us, and blood dripping down our faces from beating the crap out of each other. At the end of the day, we loved each other very much, and we both knew it.
I had a boyfriend in High School who was a nightmare. He hit me a few times, and one time in particular he slammed my head up against a concrete wall in the hallway and gave me a concussion. I left school early and went home, not knowing that I had a concussion at the time. Veronica happened to call me from the payphone and when I answered the phone, I was very foggy. She kept asking me what happened, and when I told her she slammed the phone down and ran 1.5 miles with Virginia in tow, to kick down my door and wake me up. She was worried that I’d fall asleep and never wake up. She was that kind of friend, and more.
I missed out on a lot of time with her due to my selfish, destructive behavior. While I try to live my life without regret, Veronica Diaz is the one thing that I regret more than anything. I would give anything to have her back, so I could apologize for being such a shitty friend to her. The fact is, I cannot have that and I have to live with that guilt.
In short, cherish the people you love every single day because you never, EVER know when it will be their last moment on earth. Happiest of Birthdays, my beautiful friend. I love and miss you more than you can ever imagine.
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