Just booked a vacation to Austin, TX in May to see my sister and skate with some of the Texas girls! So exciting!
#1 – I have not seen my sister in a dogs age, #2 – I have never been to Austin, and #3 – I am excited to skate with a new group of badass chicks!
#gome
Now, time to work. 🙂
My Dearest California,
I’m leaving you again today, and as usual, I am more than depressed about having to go back to NYC. Every time the wheels of the plane hit the air and lift me up towards NYC, I am broken. My heart has always been and will always belong to California.
In short, it’s been an AMAZING week and as I pack my bags to head back “home,” I’m leaving yet another piece of my heart in your hands. Please take care of it, because I will be back soon, and probably for good. Thank you for showing me such a great time, and allowing me to flourish in your amazing sunlight.
Until we meet again, my love.
Glory
xxx
I have always been a fan of California. Besides the obvious reasons: nice weather, beautiful landscapes, beaches, etc., my love for California runs much deeper than her pretty shoreline.
Since I was 7 years old, I used to tell my mother that I was “meant to live in California.” My mother would laugh at me and say “How do you know that, Gloria?” At the time, I couldn’t really answer her, as I had never set foot in the state, but I just knew it my heart it was where I was “meant to be.”
As I grew older, and I was finally able to go to California (I was 19 the first time), I’ll never forget the feeling I had when my ex-boyfriend and I drove over the Oregon/California border and I saw that “Welcome to California” sign on the side of the road. I made him pull over so he could take a picture of me, beaming, under it. I still have that photograph, and every time I take a look at it, I get the same feeling in my heart.
While I’ve always liked Northern California (it’s GORGEOUS, and SF is a lot like NYC), when I first arrived in Los Angeles, my heart was racing out of my chest. I had felt like I was “home.” It was the weirdest thing, and could never properly be explained. It was like my fate was waiting there for me. I come to Southern California almost 5-6 times per year, and every single time I leave, I cry my heart out.
When I turned 21, I found out that I had a half-brother who grew up in LA. I was estranged from my biological father and had no clue that I had 3 other siblings floating around the country. When I found out about my brother Robert, I hopped on a plane and headed straight for LA to meet him. When I met him, we had never even seen a picture of each other, but knew each other at the airport. CRAZY. It was like we were exactly the same person, but from different sides of the country. We went through a phase after that, and we still kind of joke about it, that we are twins separated at birth and our mothers are lying to us. Neither of us had a birth certificate, or a social security card until we were 20. Our mothers were best friends 20 years prior and had a horrible falling out. His mom raised him in Los Angeles, and my mother took off for Hawaii and then NYC. Needless to say, since that first meeting 17 years ago, my brother and I are VERY tight.
The 6 years ago, my very best friend, Lenin, moved from NYC to Southern California. I was so sad and not just because I was losing him, but because he was finally doing what he wanted to do, but without me! He and his wife got in the car and drove away and have not looked back since.
In short, I KNOW there is something amazing, incredible and awesome here for me. I have been feeling that since I am a wee beastie. My husband loves NYC and refuses to leave, hence why I am still living in this hellhole called NYC, but the time is coming, my friends. I am going to say fuck all, take all of my money and move to Southern California, finish that god damned novel, and live the life I am supposed to be living. I’m tired of putting my own dreams, needs and hopes last. It’s about time that I take care of ME, and stop worrying about what my husband wants, what my family wants, etc. You only get one life, and you’d better ride that shit until the wheels fall off!
Speaking of wheels, I am off to skate practice now! WooooooHoooooooooo.
My first time on the West Coast. Mt St. Helen’s, Washington
Sierra Nevada Mountain Range, CA
My brother Robert – when we first met
The “ex” I mentioned, Colin. San Francisco, CA
Late last night I was looking through pictures
Flooded with memories I lie on the floor
And spread them around me like friends at a party
Their faces remind me of all that I’ve known
Still I can’t forget all the hushed who and why’s.
All the fiction and lies and the tears and the laughs
Take a walk through the past you and I hand in hand
As we look at this thing called us
Late last night I was pacing the hallway
Reading the letters you’d signed x and o
I turned out the lights and imagined you with me
I tried my hardest to cry but it just wouldn’t come
Still I can’t forget all the hushed who and why’s
All the fiction and lies all the tears and the laughs
Take a walk through the past
You and I hand in hand
As we look at this thing called us
All the hushed who and why’s
All the fiction and lies all the tears and the laughs
Take a walk through the past, you and I hand in hand
As we look at this thing called trust
It has recently come to my attention that certain people in my life like to lie their asses off.
There is one thing, above all else in this entire universe, that pisses me the FUCK off, and that’s someone who has no need to lie to me, but does anyway. Especially, someone I love.
People only choose to lie when they’re pussies, and can’t face reality. I have no time for that.
I will be much less pissed off if you come at me with the dead honest truth, then if you come at me with some crazy bullshit. #1 – I will ALWAYS catch you (I’m quite bright, never underestimate me.) #2 – when I do catch you, the fury I will reign down on you will be nothing short of terrifying. (I’m freakishly strong, and I have rage issues).
The moral? If you want to live…. Don’t fucking lie to me!
#nuffsaid
After 9 long years, my husband and I are headed to splitsville. It’s so difficult to differentiate between what’s worth fighting for, and what’s not. I feel as if my heart has been crushed, but I know that separation is inevitable.
I’ve spent such a long time just accepting things for what they are, and not really working towards what I really want. The truth is, I am chock full of issues that stem all the way back to my crazy childhood. While I am strong enough to truly understand what they are, and their roots, I’m sometimes not strong enough to pull myself out of the hole, so to speak.
I was abandoned by my biological father, then by my step-father. A kid has a difficult time understanding outside factors that contributed to that abandonment, and if not dealt with correctly, can lead to issues in adulthood. I can admit, I have some of those residual effects that affect my life on a daily basis. It’s evident to me that I have to figure out a way to get a handle on these behaviors.
I’m epically selfish, I tend to want to control everything, I’m prone to bouts of depression that include, but are not limited to, addictive behaviors rearing their ugly heads. I know that I can be a handful, I’m far from perfect, and when I’m in an abyss, standing by me can be tough because I tend to hide it, and isolate. I’m too prideful, my ego is too big to show any measure of weakness. I have a constant need to improve on everything around me. When I do not succeed in that, I tend to lose motivation. I lack patience. I lack understanding, and can be rather harsh. I don’t typically see things through. When I lose patience, I tend to change my mind completely. I don’t have traditional values, or ideas of relationships. The list of flaws goes on, and on. I also have a lot of amazing traits, I’m more than confident in the fact that despite all of the above flaws, I am one hell of a catch. When I love, it’s full of fire and passion, and any person who is the object of my affections is one lucky fuck.
I love Craig, I truly do. That being said, we’ve had issues for a long, long time. I’ve never had a real sense of equality in the relationship, I’ve never really felt secure enough to open up fully, and truly. I have trust issues with him as it pertains to him being an “adult,” which equates to me treating him like a child, which equates to a less than passionate sex life, which equates to unhappiness on BOTH sides.
I recognize all of these problems, I see them coming from hundreds of miles away and instead of choosing to fight, talk them out, deal with impending doom, we both crawled into shells and let our undeniably amazing connection epically fail. It’s fucking HEARTBREAKING.
Craig is the first person in my life that I wanted to marry, wanted to be faithful to (to the best of my fucked up ability), actually considered procreating with (if only for a fleeting second), and wanted to love with all of my heart.
He’s an amazing guy, hell, he’d have to be to put up with me and my crazy ideals. I was lucky to find, love and be with him. On the same token, I cannot allow myself to idealize him. This story has two people at fault. Two people who need to be held accountable for their actions that inevitably led us to where we are now.
I can say that I’ve never felt more crushed than I do at this moment. I’ve never felt more let down, more alone, more insanely confused than I do at this moment. I have no idea where we will end up, whether together or apart, happy or filled with regret, I can’t possibly make any assumptions, nor can I predict the future. All I have at this point is my strong intuition, a head full of “black hole” and a horrible weight on my chest.
I’ve said it before: love is a huge risk. It can either propel you to amazing heights, or it can destroy you, if you let it. I don’t believe in bitterness, I don’t believe in putting up walls, nor do I believe in playing emotional games, or wasting my time. In short, even if we do split, I will not allow myself to be destroyed. I’ve spent way too much time in this abyss, and I need to help myself. At the end of the day, the only person who can save me is ME.
I do not doubt that I will eventually be OK. I just need to fix myself, and not look to someone else to provide me with happiness. I look to Craig for support, and respect. I’m not looking for him to be my hero, I don’t need a hero. I need a friend, a lover, and someone who doesn’t cut and run when shit gets hard.
If its meant to be, we’ll get through this. If its not? I can’t control that, and I can’t lose sleep over it. I have to stand up, brush myself off and keep it moving.
I’m done crying, I’m finished with worrying. My heart is way too heavy to begin with, I cannot afford added weight. My husband either sees this, or he doesn’t. He can do the same as I, and take accountability for his epic mistakes over the last 9 years, or he won’t. Again, I can’t control that, and I refuse to even try. I need to worry about me, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
So, the fantasy of everlasting love is exactly that, a fantasy. I’m not a dreamer, I’m a hardcore realist, but I have faith that things will work out the way they’re supposed to.
There’s just something about redheads that melt my heart.
Cry for Dawn – by Joseph Michael Linsner
My favorite comic book heroine.
dimentra dot com 