Dear Motivation,
I wanted to take a moment to thank you. You see, although you didn’t know it, the mere thought of you has changed my life. In a way, you have saved me from a deep abyss, where I had been drowning in my own sorrows for many years. It was almost as if I had been tossed down a well and left for dead. I clawed and scratched at the walls, but all it did was take part of me away – one fingernail at a time – and left me bleeding, angry and alone.
When I first found you, it was a small shining sliver of light escaping through the boards above me, reaching far down into my self-inflicted cave and giving me just a little bit of hope.
I abused myself down there. I beat myself down. I beat I my body down. I let myself go. I drowned myself in alcohol. I swam in a freezing pool of my own excrement, and the worst part of it was that I never saw anything wrong with it. I justified my actions, felt sorry for myself, chalked it up to “normal” and soothed myself with the fact that everyone around me was doing the same, therefore, it MUST be OK.
When I found you, I found something to look forward to. That sliver of light became thicker everyday, until it finally bathed me in it’s warmth and forced me to face myself and what I had been doing.
Cancer scares, breathing problems, severe allergies, depression, mood swings, uncontrollable anger, misery… how did I manage to survive like that for 4 years? How did I keep my friends? How did I pretend like everything was fine, when it sure as hell wasn’t? How did I hide this from my family?
When I found you, I found me. You gave me a reason to change. You gave me hope. You forced me out of that hole, I called an existence, and into the light again. You made me realize that not only am I am strong person, but that I was worth saving. You taught me that drowning out the pain is that old familiar “friend” that I always turn to because it’s easy. It’s an old groove in the record that is my life, and it takes a lot of you and a lot of strength to force that needle out of it and on to the next.
Since you slapped me with that icy hand of reality, I have slowly been feeling better and better. While every day brings with it some kind of hurdle, or pain, I can now deal with it in a healthier way. You have given me so much over the last 35 years, but in the last 5 months you have really pushed through and given me a new lease, and for that – I can never thank you enough.
Running has become my release. Skating has given me strength. With every weight lifted, another mental demon extinguished. I’m addicted to you, and how you make me feel. You’re like a drug, the perfect drug, and I cannot get enough of you…
Thank you for taking the time to save my life, over and over. Thank you for standing up to me and forcing me into the light. Thank you for giving me a reason to breathe again.
Don’t ever leave me…
Love always,
Glory
dimentra dot com 