Originally posted on myspace.com 4/11/06
Since I was a little girl, I have always found comfort in being alone. It’s not that my family did not mean anything to me, it’s just that being alone meant feeling OK.
I grew up in an environment where violence and fighting was all that seemed to happen. My parents hated each other and stayed together way too long. My Father had issues from his childhood he never dealt with, my Mother, the same. Because of this, they took out their frustrations and anger on each other making my life a living hell in the process.
When I was a child, I used to hide in the bathroom under the sink to avoid being caught in the crossfire. I can remember exactly how I felt, nervous, afraid, shaky, uncontrollable crying. It’s amazing how to this very day, some 28 years later, that ANYONE can have that same effect on me.
I have never been particularly close with my Mother. There is really no one to blame for that, it’s just the way it happened. A huge part of me always felt that she resented the fact that I even existed because of the way I came about. Maybe I was/am a constant reminder of the bad choices she has made in her life and because she does know how to process that pain and deal with it and FORGIVE herself, she takes it out on the people around her.
Sometimes I feel that I am being unreasonable. I do try, very hard as a matter of fact, to have a relationship with her. It just never works out. We are too different, she is too judgmental of me, I too judgmental of her. How many times can you try to repair something that is just broken beyond repair? There is only so much gluing you can do, somehow it always goes back together more warped than it was before.
My only solace is that even at 2 years old I sort of wanted nothing to do with her. I was quite independent and headstrong. She would sew clothes for me and dress me up like a cupie doll. I would go directly in my room, rip them all off of my body and put on what I LIKED. She wanted so bad for me to be like her. She forced herself on me. She smothered me. I do not believe she did this on purpose, I believe that she wanted what she thought was best for me. Maybe she wanted me to live her life, just better than she did.
However, there is a wrong way to go about things and she has mastered that. Rather than letting me be myself, she put me down for being “different”. She called me horrible names, she talked about me to my family, she hurt me deeply, over and over and over. She NEVER accepted me for who I am, she may have said she did but there was always an underlying disdain that went along with her words and actions.
I have to be thankful for the fact that i am stronger than most and can realize that these things, words and actions are WRONG. Rather than ruining my own life trying to break away from her, I accepted her for who she is and tried to be myself. This behavior did nothing but distance me from my entire family. Then of course, there is the guilt.
Guilt will literally kill you if you let it. It crushes your soul and makes you feel as if you can not breathe, like your life will never be “just OK”. In reality, that’s all any of us really want, to be just OK. “Just OK” equals happiness. “Just OK” is attainable because no one in this world is ever 100% happy.
Another part of me has to believe that there are greater forces at play here. Forces such as fate and destiny. Some people would say that before we are born we choose our parents according to what we feel we most need to learn in this next “phase”, if you will, of the journey. Maybe I chose my Mother because I needed to deal with serious insecurity. Maybe I chose her because it would force me to be on my own for most of my life. Maybe I chose her because in choosing her, I have actually chosen myself.
Life has a funny way of smacking us around.
We have to feel complete sadness before we can truly be happy. I recognize this and I know I need to go through it. It is just so fucking hard to do.
It’s like standing on the edge of a beautiful cliff. You see the beauty of the world beneath you. You want to glide and fly with every inch of your soul, but your heart and your gut tells you that you will “die” or something horrific will happen to you if you go for it. Yet, you know, deep down that if you just take the leap – the benefits will far outweigh the consequences.
There is always a parachute on your back, all you need to do is pull the string…
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