It is REALLY amazing what you see on the train everyday. I am NOT talking about the bums that literally shit in their pants and then wipe the feces all over the train doors. I’m not talking about the crazy lady who sits and argues with herself about whether or not Donald Duck is a virgin. Nor am I speaking about the sniveling, drooling, overweight dude with the wet stain on the front of his pants from pre-ejaculation staring at you like he’s never seen a woman before. I’m talking about the purely shallow. The simple choices people make every morning when they leave the house. I’m talking about FASHION!
The following is a list of things I have ACTUALLY seen in the last month:
1. A woman who probably weighed about 450 lbs and was easily over 6 feet tall wearing a painfully bright fluorescent green blouse with teased to the moon bleached blonde hair sprayed to a hardened shell with Aqua Net. She actually had on matching green eye makeup, yes FLUORESCENT green eye makeup. She was also sporting a pair of bright lemon yellow pumps. What a way to call attention to yourself!
2. A girl who was certainly attractive enough. She had a very cute figure and a very nice Channel wool suit on. I was quite impressed and then I happened to glance down to see the worst thing I have ever seen! She was wearing grey pantyhose WITH flip-flops! YES, I said Pantyhose and FLIP-FLOPS. HUH???!
3. A very attractive Indian girl. She was actually quite beautiful. She was all dressed to the nines. Black skirt suit, great body, gorgeous hair, perfect makeup and open toe stiletto pumps. Sounds terrific, eh? Well this chick had the LONGEST toes I have ever seen. Seriously, they looked like fingers. They were SO long that they actually dragged on the ground as she walked scratching off all of her toenail polish and causing her skin to peel off and bleed! OK, so you have long toes. No big deal. Just wear closed toe shoes to avoid the massive PAIN you will be in if you don’t. Wow.
4. Another woman, I actually felt bad for this one. I’d say she was closer to 50 than 40 years old. She was wearing all white. When she got up to get off the train it looked like someone shot her in the ass! I guess she must have had her period. There was BLOOD EVERYWHERE. On the seat, on her ass, even on the end of her hair. DAYUM. OK, DO NOT WEAR WHITE WHEN YOU HAVE A HEAVY FLOW. Shit…. The poor guy next to her saw her, looked at her then empty seat and jumped up like I have never seen a man jump in my life. He recoiled in horror and ran to the other side of the train to escape the pool of blood swooshing around her seat.
5. The guy with the bad wind-blown toupee that was lopsided and remained that way for the entire ride. Doesn’t he feel that? It boggles my mind…
6. Not really fashion related, but sort of. Anyways, stop me if you’ve heard this one… A beautiful Indian girl walks on the train. It is raining outside. The beautiful girl is wearing a white wife beater, white flowing skirt and gold flip flops. She is soaked to the bone. She is NOT wearing a bra. Her breasts are more than ample. EVERY MAN ON THE TRAIN loses all sense of reality as they all jump up to offer their seats. I actually saw some of them drool a little bit. Pretty funny. I just stood there shaking my head at how easy it is to melt a man’s mind. All you need is the right mixture of body, water and white and you can have anything you’ve ever dreamed of! 🙂
So, my question is – do these people look in the mirror or use any sense of judgment when they leave the house in the morning? It is simply horrifying to me. Trust me, I am no fashionista. I try to mix my “Corporate Ass Licker” clothes with a bit of my own style, as not to feel like a complete Corporate Whore. Sometimes, I am a bit over the edge. I admit this, but that is just ME and I feel I pull it off quite nicely. Maybe I am wrong… Who knows? Who cares? haha.
However, this is NYC. You’d think you’d see this shit in some backwater town somewhere in Arkansas…. Know what I’m sayin? 🙂
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