*Originally posted on myspace 6/13/07*
I have an insane fear of roaches. When I say insane, I mean that when I see one I literally FREEZE. My entire body becomes frozen in fear. I can’t breathe, I can’t even think straight. For an onlooker, this can be quite the hilarious scene, but when I am alone it is flat out horrifying. I have to say that it is SO bad that even writing about this right now is making me sick to my stomach and scared to death.
I was walking on the subway platform a few weeks ago and a roach crawled across my foot and I lost it. There was a subway musician playing guitar and saw my reaction to the roach and actually started singing a fucking parody about how I am afraid of roaches. Talk about embarrassing.
Anyway. On to the story.
Last night at about 10:30 PM I was in the computer room, which is really Craig’s “work room”. I was surfing the web and trying to keep my mind off of the fact that Craig had not called me once all day. The room was really dark, except for the light from the computer screen. I felt something on my arm, thinking it was a stray hair from my head I just casually looked down and attempted to brush it off. As my hand reached towards my arm, something HUGE moved.
I jumped out of the chair and let out a blood curdling scream. There was a waterbug, about 4 inches long (no exaggeration) crawling up my arm.
::pause:: I am literally getting asthma right now.
Whew. OK, I am filled with the sweet aerosol of Albuterol. I can continue now.
So, obviously when I jumped out the chair, the thing went flying off of my arm. It’s time for the face off. I flip the light on and it’s not just any roach, but some weird looking HUGE brown one with orange on its back. It also fucking FLIES. What do I live in Hawaii now?! It flies over to the printer and starts crawling across the paper in the hopper. I, still frozen in fear and can’t think straight, start crying hysterically. I slam the door to the room, run through the dining room, slam that door and proceed to shove towels under the door so that there is NO way this flying hell bug can get me, then I go to the bedroom. I turn on the light, get under the blankets and continue to shake.
I can’t sleep, but somehow I manage to fall asleep after about an hour of crying. At 1:30 AM, I wake up to find the waterbug crawling across my fucking NECK.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I jump out of bed, and my dog (oh how I love him) springs into action. I am screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to spray the thing to death with Craig’s aerosol “Sure” deodorant. It won’t die and now I have turned it white.
Doobie goes after this thing with a fury. I am screaming “Doobie GET HIM. KILL HIM” as Doobie dives beneath the end table. As all of this commotion is going on, Craig walks in the door freaked out thinking there is a strange man in the bedroom trying to rape me.
Doobie kills the roach. Craig gets the carcass with a tissue and tosses it in the toilet. I, reeling from the roaches and depressed from the state of my marriage, just fall into his arms shaking and crying like a chick from a 1950’s film.
I can conquer all of these horrible things in my life. I can punch someone dead in the face without even thinking twice about it. I can cut someone’s throat if they ever dared to harm me, but I can’t kill a fucking ROACH?! I sat up all night and could not sleep. I did not sleep 1 second.
Seriously, no matter how sad and pathetic that is… I have to move. Craig then proceeded to tell me, the fucker, that the night before he was taking a piss and another roach was crawling up his leg. He killed it. That makes 2 or 3 roaches. We are officially infested. We are officially moving.
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