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I have not had a pap smear in over 6 years. 

There is just something so Sado-Masochist about getting in a metal chair, sticking my legs into stirrups while some old guy with the breath of a baby’s coffin digs around in my hole with a set of sterile salad spoons.

I know, who actually LIKES the vagina doctor, right?  Well, to be honest, I know a few girls who do.

One friend, she will remain nameless, had a gynecologist who was really young and super hot.  She made appointments frequently and for no reason other than the cheap thrill she felt when he peeped her freshly Brazilian waxed tutu and slid his slippery, white gloved fingers up her ass.  She would moan every time he gently stretched her vagina for a better look.   She was obviously crazy and after a few months of this behavior, I am sure the Doc got creeped out got himself a restraining order.

There are others, and I think they all have latent S&M fetishes.

But, who am I to judge?

I had a good friend who died from Cervical Cancer back in 2000.  I have recurring nightmares about her telling me to get my ass to the GYNO to get a smear.  I wake up in a pool of sweat and tears and promise myself I will go, somehow I never do.

It’s not like I have not tried, or attempted to make appointments.  I have changed my primary OB/GYN about 40 times on my insurance plan.  Every single time I pick a Doc, I call and get the run around.  “We are not taking any new patients until September.”  Or, “I can give you something on Monday afternoon at 3PM”.  Monday at 3PM?!  I work, people.  Can’t make it.

I finally broke down and scheduled one for September 1st at 10:00 AM.  Yay, nothing like getting goosed by a 90 year old Indian woman after a night of heavy drinking and partying, because that is Labor day weekend.  **Note to self – DO NOT EAT WHITE CASTLE WHILE IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR THE NIGHT BEFORE**

Hopefully, my body will not be ridden with tumors and the like.   Considering what a hypochondriac I am, it is somewhat curious that I have let this go so long.

Then again, a simple pap smear doesn’t always tell you the whole story anyway. ..

Wish me luck.

So yeah, I’ve got a cherry addiction and a serious one at that.  When I walk into a grocery store and peep those babies from across the aisle, like a jammer in a roller derby bout I make a bee line for their sweet, plump, shiny red deliciousness.

After buying a 3 lb bag, hey they were on sale; I went home and proceeded to eat 1 entire lb. of cherries all by myself.  Considering that I have seriously cut back on my food intake over the last month and my voracious appetite has practically disappeared, this seemed a bit gluttonous and got me thinking.  Can cherries possibly make you fat?

Hmmmm.

I went searching through this wonderful wealth of information called the internet and found some interesting information.

It seems as if cherries are quite the miracle fruit.  They heal the gout, inflammation, help the body fight cancer, cure headaches and pain, contain the highest levels of melatonin in ANY fruit, which helps with insomnia, they help to ward off Alzheimer’s and last, but certainly not least, they contain a serious amount of fiber which promotes healthy digestive function.  In plain English, they make yah shit like Sally Struthers after a night of Oreo, E.L Fudge and full-fat milk gorging.

This is quite possibly the best news I have ever heard!  Nutritionists recommend eating 2-3 lbs of cherries per week!  Woah.  This is like telling a crackhead that crack is GOOD for you!

On the flip side, too much of anything is not good.  I will not go forth armed with this knowledge and eat myself into a cherry induced coma, I promise.  However, for my fellow plump little hearts of pleasure fruit lovers…. ENJOY!