I have spoken of my Father and his many issues in previous entries, however as of late, it has been on my mind again. I try so hard to be understanding of things, of people, it’s just that sometimes it’s difficult to forgive. Especially, when you have so much invested.
My Father has Bi-Polar disease. For those of you who do not know what this is, it is basically a disorder to which there are 2 sides: Manic and Depressive. The manic side is often considered the “better” of the two because rather than wallow in a pit of sadness all day, the person will accomplish a lot. Others never know they suffer from such a mental disorder, they will just think that the person is outstanding in the ways that they can “out do” everyone else around them. They will often start many projects at once and juggle them all quite effectively. They are chock full of confidence and super friendly people, often thought of as “social butterflies” or “charasmatic”.
Obviously, to a person suffering from Bi-Polar, this side is a lot more attractive than the depressive side. Sadly, “manic” is really all they know in life and consider this behavior to be “normal” when in reality, the longer they live like this, the worse the downfall to depressive will be.
People who are extreme bi-polars will often do very self-destructive things when they hit rock bottom. Most are drug-addicts, some turn to crime, some even commit suicide.
My Father is an extreme Bi-Polar. When he is “manic”, and many people who know him can attest to this, he is unstoppable and ADORED by everyone he knows. Unfortunately, he falls into that category I spoke of eariler. He thinks and actually believes that “mania” is NORMAL.
He will go months, sometimes years, without hitting the depressive side. He will start 100 projects and experience lasting success with them. Every time he hits depressive, he will relapse and smoke crack-cocaine. Why Crack? Well, that’s simple. It’s an artificial high that will give him that “mania” he so craves. He is so bi-polar, that he actually figured out a way to chemically alter his state of mind to get him back to mania from depressive.
We recently had a falling out, a major one at that. I decided to throw in the towel with him, because I do not feel that he understands or sees what the underlying issue is. He needs medication. Now, I am not one who promote the use of daily meds, however, in his extreme case it is undeniable. Without the meds, he will never straighten his life out.
We spoke about this about 2 months ago. He told me that he taking the meds, but hates them because they make him feel like a “zombie”. I explained that he was not feeling like a zombie, but like a NORMAL human being should feel. He has such a low self-worth that he simply can not function feeling normal. He NEEDS mania. It is so damn sad.
I know in my heart that he will never wake up to this fact. I also know that he will not stay on his meds. I know that he will never recover and while I HATE saying never, I have no choice.
His Mother, my Grandmother, called me yesterday. I explained all of this to her, I explained that I simply can not be around him or speak to him anymore. Unfortunately, my Grandmother has given her entire life to him. My Grandfather is now very ill and rather than enjoying the time she has left with him, she is allowing herself to be stressed and full of upsetment about my Father. Granted, he IS her son, however, I do not feel that she should be killing herself over his insanity. He is 50 years old and needs to learn to fend for himself. Not only is it unfair to my poor sick Grandfather, it is unfair to HER!
I let this all spill yesterday to her and she was not happy with me, I could tell. I really could care less though as she is the shining example of what I COULD become if I allow myself to be led and hurt by my Father.
I will be 32 years old in 2 weeks from now. At 32 years old I should not have to take care of the mess my Father has made of his life, once again.
If one day he wakes up, takes his meds like a good boy and accepts his faults and disease then MAYBE I will have a relationship with him. Until then, I want nothing to do with it.
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