Daily Archives: June 21, 2007

Jun 21 2007
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Lifelong Pals…

As I get older I realize how important GOOD friends are.  I also realize how difficult it is to really find good friends in your 30’s.

There is a group of girls that I have been friends with since Jr. High School.  We did everything together as kids and then, sadly, we kind of grew apart.  The “crew” consisted of Amanda, Angela, Gina, April, Chantal, Christine, Nicole, Rosanne, Virginia, Veronica and of course, myself.  Our lives seemed so dramatic then, every little ‘disaster’ impossible to surpass.  In retrospect, we were just kids!  What seemed so dramatic and terrible was actually really simple.  Little did we know that the simple fact of growing up would be so much more difficult.

Amanda and I were friends and next door neighbors since the age of 8.  We were inseprable.  Somehow as we got older, I went a completely different direction from her.  While she was still going to school and staying out of trouble, I was doing drugs and drinking.  We remained friends, just not BEST friends.  Many years passed us by and we would randonly speak for awhile and then I’d do what I do best and disappear.

Recently, we started talking again.  I could not be happier.  It is such a breath of fresh air to have a friend who is so inspirational, intelligent, down to earth and “together”.   While I love every one of my friends dearly, sometimes the drama in their lives, combined with the drama in my life is just too much to bear.

She recently married another childhood friend of ours, “Froggie”.  While I was shocked to hear the news at first, after spending time with them I realize that they are perfect for each other.  The wedding was in Jamaica on June 1st.  Here is a photo of us as kids:

Angela moved to Florida when we were still really young.  She also had a baby when she was 16, named Rockelle.  Although she lived far away, we still remained good friends.  We do not speak as much as I’d like, but when we do it’s like we never missed a beat. 

Gina and I are still the best of friends and have remained very close after these 17 years.  She recently got married and is now pregnant with her first child. 

Chantal moved to PA.  However, before that we kind of lost touch during high school as she went to a different school than the rest of us.  I found her on myspace a few years back and we chat from time to time, but I have not seen her since we were 16 years old.  I need to change that and soon.  She also had a baby girl.  Gina, Angela and Chantal:

Christine “Voodoo” moved to South Florida a few years back and started up her own clothing line.  She is undeniably gorgeous, successfull and happy.  I must say that I never doubted any of that for a second as Christine was and will always be my one crazy smart, motivated and fabulously fashionable trendsetter friend.  🙂  Love her.

Nicole stayed in Brooklyn.  We did go our seperate ways and lost touch for awhile, but recently reunited.  She looks great and is happy.  She is so different than she was when we were little.  She grew up to be taller and tougher than me!  In Jr. High School she was so tiny and shy!  It’s funny, but great.

Rosanne and I remained friends for a LONG time.  We stopped speaking on New Years Eve of 2001.  The reason for that is while I loved her dearly and still do, I always felt like I was never “good” enough by her standards.  Recently, I contacted her to try again in hopes that with age comes acceptance.  I must have called her while I was blacked out drunk on Halloween and made plans with her that I did not remember and since I did not remember making them, I did not keep them.  We wound up having a fight over email during which she reconfirmed my original reasons for severing the friendship 5 years eariler.  She said that all we ever really had in common was drugs and raves.  That hurt, considering that we were friends since the 3rd grade and I seriously doubt that “drugs and raves” were common for 3rd graders.  It’s OK, sometimes when we are angry we say things we do not mean.  I am very sad that we could not work it out, but I try not to think about it much.  I wish her happiness.

Veronica had a child when she was 17 years old.  I remember yelling at her to get an abortion because she was so young.  She basically told me to go fuck myself and had the child anyway.  Thank God for that because in December of 2000 Veronica passed away from Cervical Cancer.  Her death was not easy for her.  She first found out she had cancer about a year or two before and went through chemo and radiation.  She went into remission.  After seeing a second Doctor, she was told that she should probably consider a hysterectmy just in case there was any remaining cancer cells.  She did not want to do that, she was only 24 years old.  Some time went on and she started to get sick, she went to the Doctor and by then it was too late.  The cancer had spread to her lungs, brain, etc.  She became terminal.  She tried to contact me and I being the selfish asshole that I was, was living in Florida and did not return any phone calls or letters.  6 months after she died, I called her house and asked to speak with her.  I was given the news that she had passed.  My heart literally stopped.  Since then I have had recurring nightmares about her.  I have never in my life felt as guilty about anything as I have about Veronica and I probably never will.  Maria, Veronica, Me, Angela and April:

Virginia is Veronica’s older sister and just happens to be my exact age.  When we met we had a lot in common and became fast friends.  Unfortunately, when I moved to Florida I also alienated her.  I regret doing that as well.  She is a GREAT girl.  She moved to Maryland and married a wonderful guy.  She has two gorgeous sons with him.  Recently, they moved back to NY State and hopefully, I will be seeing her sometime this summer.

Lifelong friends are hard to find, when you do you should hold on to them.  I don’t know what I would do without any of the above mentioned girls.  They are my heart. 🙂

Jun 21 2007
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Down with the sickness

I have spoken of my Father and his many issues in previous entries, however as of late, it has been on my mind again.  I try so hard to be understanding of things, of people, it’s just that sometimes it’s difficult to forgive.  Especially, when you have so much invested.

My Father has Bi-Polar disease.  For those of you who do not know what this is, it is basically a disorder to which there are 2 sides: Manic and Depressive.  The manic side is often considered the “better” of the two because rather than wallow in a pit of sadness all day, the person will accomplish a lot.  Others never know they suffer from such a mental disorder, they will just think that the person is outstanding in the ways that they can “out do” everyone else around them.  They will often start many projects at once and juggle them all quite effectively.  They are chock full of confidence and super friendly people, often thought of as “social butterflies” or “charasmatic”.

Obviously, to a person suffering from Bi-Polar, this side is a lot more attractive than the depressive side.  Sadly, “manic” is really all they know in life and consider this behavior to be “normal” when in reality, the longer they live like this, the worse the downfall to depressive will be. 

People who are extreme bi-polars will often do very self-destructive things when they hit rock bottom.  Most are drug-addicts, some turn to crime, some even commit suicide. 

My Father is an extreme Bi-Polar.  When he is “manic”, and many people who know him can attest to this, he is unstoppable and ADORED by everyone he knows.    Unfortunately, he falls into that category I spoke of eariler.  He thinks and actually believes that “mania” is NORMAL.

He will go months, sometimes years, without hitting the depressive side.  He will start 100 projects and experience lasting success with them.  Every time he hits depressive, he will relapse and smoke crack-cocaine.  Why Crack?  Well, that’s simple.  It’s an artificial high that will give him that “mania” he so craves.  He is so bi-polar, that he actually figured out a way to chemically alter his state of mind to get him back to mania from depressive. 

We recently had a falling out, a major one at that.  I decided to throw in the towel with him, because I do not feel that he understands or sees what the underlying issue is.  He needs medication.  Now, I am not one who promote the use of daily meds, however, in his extreme case it is undeniable.  Without the meds, he will never straighten his life out.

We spoke about this about 2 months ago.  He told me that he taking the meds, but hates them because they make him feel like a “zombie”.  I explained that he was not feeling like a zombie, but like a NORMAL human being should feel.  He has such a low self-worth that he simply can not function feeling normal.  He NEEDS mania.  It is so damn sad.

I know in my heart that he will never wake up to this fact.  I also know that he will not stay on his meds.  I know that he will never recover and while I HATE saying never, I have no choice.

His Mother, my Grandmother, called me yesterday.  I explained all of this to her, I explained that I simply can not be around him or speak to him anymore.  Unfortunately, my Grandmother has given her entire life to him.  My Grandfather is now very ill and rather than enjoying the time she has left with him, she is allowing herself to be stressed and full of upsetment about my Father.  Granted, he IS her son, however, I do not feel that she should be killing herself over his insanity.  He is 50 years old and needs to learn to fend for himself.  Not only is it unfair to my poor sick Grandfather, it is unfair to HER!

I let this all spill yesterday to her and she was not happy with me, I could tell.  I really could care less though as she is the shining example of what I COULD become if I allow myself to be led and hurt by my Father.

I will be 32 years old in 2 weeks from now.  At 32 years old I should not have to take care of the mess my Father has made of his life, once again.

If one day he wakes up, takes his meds like a good boy and accepts his faults and disease then MAYBE I will have a relationship with him.  Until then, I want nothing to do with it.