dimentra dot com

*Originally posted on myspace 6/12/07*

I remember floating out into the ocean with my Dad on a boogie board when I was 2 and we lived in Hawaii.

I remember my Mother and brother standing on the beach screaming for us to come closer to the shore because she was scared I would drown.

I remember my Father telling me to wave to my Mother while he was laughing at her hysteria.

I remember laying in my crib and seeing a lizard on the ceiling and screaming at the top of my lungs at 2:00 in morning and scaring the shit out of my parents.

I remember running into my room at 2 years old and changing out of the clothes my Mother made me wear and into something I liked, like polka dots and stripes.

I remember riding my big wheel down 73rd Street and falling on my face.

I remember my big brother running down the block when he heard my screams.  He picked me up and carried me all the way home in his arms and tried to calm me down.  He was my hero.

I remember writing “Michelle loves Billy Stain” on the brick wall on 74th street just to torture her.  To this day, 29 years later, it’s still there.  Faint, but there.

I remember playing manhunt and “climbing” in the backyards on 13th Ave.  We would climb the walls and go onto private property.  It was an adventure.

I remember roller skating with Amanda up and down 75th Street ALL day long and never, ever gettin tired.

I remember eating carrot salad with Michelle & Michelle in 1328 73rd Street.

I remember playing “fame” on the corner of 13th Ave and 74th Street with my friends.  We would make up dances, play the boombox as loud as it would go and put on shows for the boys.

I remember when the graffiti phase was huge and my brother was “Dest13” and to make him angry I ran around the streets with a big sharpie and “toyed” all of his “tags”.

I remember the Alley Cats and wishing I could be one, but i was just a “girl”

I remember when my Dad used to load the station wagon up with all of the neighborhood kids on Sundays, even Fat Mike in the back and take us to Dyker Park to play Football.  He would let me play, even though I sucked.

I remember going on “adventures” in the “devil worshipper area” of the Dyker Park Golf Course and being scared out of my mind when we saw the smoke coming out of the trees.  I remember thinking they were sacrificing animals in there.

I remember playing jumprope on the corner.

I remember almost getting kidnapped 3 times.

I remember being head over heels in love with Antonio Devito and wishing everynight before bed that he would marry me, or at least notice that I existed.

I remember playing “animal house”, “haunted house” and “sock sliding” with my cousin, Dori and getting into serious trouble every time.

I remember when my family used to go to Belmont park every summer and Ronnie jumped off of the swing in his cowboy boots while Mother and I watched him fly through the air with our hearts in our throats, only to witness him land safely over the fence on one leg.

I remember when my parents used to fight.

I remember the stress of that.

I remember my beautiful Mother crying on the windowsill.  I remember wishing I could make her smile, but knowing that she was too hurt for that.

I remember when my rabbit died and we buried him in the yard of the abandoned house on 14th Ave.  I remember walking to school the next morning and finding the rabbit dug up and hung upside down, decapitated, from the stop sign covered in beer.  I remember crying so bad from that, that I shook for 3 days.  I remember my brother trying to sheild me from that.

I remember James Begly hitting his head on the stop sign pole while we walked down the street because he wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking.  I remember the LOUD SOUND it made, like someone hitting a gong.

I remember my pink bike with the white banana seat, the streamers and basket in the front.

I remember breaking into my parents station wagon with the dogs leash through the window crack and hanging out in the parked car alllllll night with my friends.

I remember meeting Geroge Tapinekis.

I remember being best friends with Frankie Russo for years.

I remember having my first 40oz and joint at age 12 on a rooftop in Bay Ridge when I was supposed to be in school.

I remember hanging out in Ft. Hamilton park while the boys played basketball and we drank beers and watched and cheered them on.

I remember the first time I took mesculine at age 15.  I remember laughing so hard that my head hurt.  I remember eating egg salad at Jeremy’s house because he said there was nothing like egg salad on mesculine.

I remember going to the “Chicago” concert with my family the next day.  I remember I had a missing filling in my molar and a piece of the Mesc went into the hole the day before.  I remember getting it out at the concert and tripping all over again, but with my family and PHIL COLLINS.

I remember taking “e” for the first time when I was 15.  I remember going to the Ft. Hamilton Army Base and giving strangers my money to go buy a hit.  I remember it only cost 10 dollars.

I remember my first heartbreak and sitting in the rain on valentines day when Jason Esposito broke up with me for a girl named Nicole after I had given him my virginity at age 15 after three years of dating him.

I remember meeting Lenin in the village and calling him Arabic.

I remember him making me laugh more than any guy I had ever known.

I remember building an undeniable bond of friendship with him that would last forever, because we are twin souls.

I remember seeing his astonishing talents for the first time and busting into tears because it just blew my mind how amazing he was.

I remember meeting Eddie Sleem and feeling like no other love could ever be that strong in my life.

I remember sitting on Venice Beach, LA for the first time and thinking that I was just MEANT to live on the West Coast.  I remember feeling so complete, so at ease. 

I remember that no matter the situation in my life, no matter my state of mind, my journal was ALWAYS there from as early as age 10.  I still have every single one of them too.

I remember the “best summer of my life” when me, Gina, Ryan and Ian were all best friends and did everything together.  I remember the rock fights, the chainsaw fight, the acid trips, the camping out in stolen tents, the eating of white castle burgers and the pain when it was all over.

I remember doing heroin for the first time and thinking that nothing could ever “break” me.

I remember the exact moment when I realized I was an addict and that my life was out of control.

I remember every second of quitting heroin and how it took me 5 years to get over the pain, depression and bone chills.

I remember the night Sean G. “re-proposed” to me.  I remember thinking that he was the one and that the way I felt at that exact moment could never be duplicated in my life.  I remember the chills I felt when he touched my skin.  I remember feeling as if I was high and that I was entirely SOBER.

I remember the moment I realized that Sean and I were not going to make it.  I remember feeling insurmountable pain in my chest and thinking that I was seriously going to die from it.

I remember the day I re-met Craig.  I remember telling myself in the car that he was “off-limits”.  I remember telling myself over and over that besides that fact, that I needed to be single for awhile.

I remember the night I realized that Craig was the one, the REAL one, who stole my heart and I remember the gripping fear take hold of me.  I remember feeling vulnerable.  I remember feeling like I had no control.

I remember all of these things…. but somehow I can’t remember what I did yesterday.

Somehow I can’t remember one time in my life where I actually saw something through.

Somehow I can’t seem to finish anything.

Somehow I need to change that.  🙂